I wanna write about something but don't know what. Nothing much happpened today. I had lunch by myself. I didn't feel that lonely though. Well, maybe I felt slightly lonely. Am I getting securer? I used to hate to eat by myself in a public situation. I feel like everyone's looking and laughing at me for having no friends. Well, that's what my Japanese junior high classmates did to me, and I still can't get over it. Fortunately, Chinese pepole won't do that. Most Chinese are mentally healthy.
I've lost myself soon after we emigrated to Japan. I used be a confident kid. But then my confidence was all torn down by my miserable experiences in Japan. It's been 16 years! I've been trying to get the "self" back, but I haven't been successful yet. I still don't know how exactly I can get it back and be myself again.
I'm extremely insecure about myself. After being put down and staying at the bottom of my life for so long, an insecure self was formed. It's really sad. I haven't figured out how to change this pattern.
We human beings are too intelligent. We hold onto things too much. Not like dogs, that's why in my mind they're all angels. They don't hold onto their bad experiences. They move on to experience the good. They live in the now.
It's easy to say "just get over it." Yes, I wish! I just hope it won't take me another 16 years to fix my problems.
I'm trying to make a difference. Although I'm not doing the whole package I should do every day, but I do practice at least one thing which helps with my issues. With my fellow blogger dan's suggestions, I've created my own affirmation statements to read everyday.
Wish me luck! Thanks!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Best of luck to you!
I agree that sometimes part of our problem is being human, and self aware. I can be a curse!
And congratulations on eating lunch alone-that seems like a very brave step.
It's very hard to leave behind things that happened in the past. I've always hated the phrast "just get over it", because whoever says that just doesn't have a clue what you are feeling. I do think it is a positive step that you felt more comfortable having lunch alone. It's important to be able to enjoy time by yourself. If you think you are getting more secure, then I'm sure that you are, and that is great.
It's sad that Chinese immigrants in Japan are treated so badly. I never knew about that. I live in a neighborhood where there are a lot of immigrants, mostly Latin American but also many from Vietnam and some from Africa. Right now in the US there is a lot of anti-immigrant feelings, and this really makes me think about what they are going through, especially the kids. That would be tough to go through, growing up in a strange place like that. You have been through a lot to overcome, and it sounds to me like you are doing great.
Oh yeah, I also meant to say that I'm glad the affirmations are helping.
Lulabelle, actually I never wanna eat alone, sometimes I'm afraid of being alone in a public situation. Like I said before, in this office, nobody reaches out to you or to welcome a newbie. But now I can see it as what's the big deal, eating alone or with the others!
Thanks, dan. I like my affirmation statements. Actually not just Chinese immigrants are being treated bad, Japanese society is extremely rigid and everyone has to follow unwritten rules. As a foreigner, of course you won't know their rules. So they think you're weird or a rude person. All foreigners in Japan experience some kind of obstacles. Even native Japanese women are being surpressed by men. Just the way it goes, nothing I can do about it. So I got out.
I'd like to write more about Japan later.
Post a Comment