Monday, January 26, 2009

Strange Dreams

For those of you who have been following my blog may remember once I wrote about this guy I work with that I thought I had feelings of. Later I said it was unreal for us to be together and I was over it. But you know what? This guy has appeared in my dream a couple of days ago....again! Yes, it was the second time that he appeared in my dream as my boyfriend.

I dreamed of him out of no reason at all. I was not thinking about him and I thought I was over him. In both dreams, we were at either my home or his. In the second dream, he actually confessed his feelings towards me, then the next scene, we were at home eating with other coworkers(though no face looked familiar to me, but just seemed like they were our coworkers). And the coworkers were giving out ideas about how we should handle our relationship at work.

One thing for sure is that I SO want to have a serious relationship that would lead to marriage. As of him, he is not Chinese. Although he says he doesn't think he'll eventually go back to his country, but I think eventually that's what he'll do(back to his country). And it's unimaginable for me to live in his country. I would not want to leave China again.

There's also another problem...his height. He's probably shorter than me. I've never dated anyone who's shorter than myself. It is kind of a problem for me...

One friend has said that the reason I dreamed of him is probably because of my strong desire to be romantically involved with someone. I'll try to think this way instead of seeing him in a romantic way. It's just surreal to be with him.

It's Chinese New Year Eve last night. I've got 7 days off that I don't know what to do with! I've got to do something meaningful during this break. Else I'll just be sitting at home doing nothing all day. I've got to do something productive! I may go visit one temple each day. We'll see.

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Path to Become a Buddhist

I am into Buddhism more than ever now. I have just met a Tibetan nun last Saturday who is originally from Japan. Spending a whole day with her, I felt that Buddhism has become something that I'd like to pursue and cherish for the rest of my life, and even becoming a nun could be possbile.

With only a little Buddhist practice, I've become a happier, more relaxed and generous person than I ever was in my whole life. I used to have so much focus on meterials. Most of the times, I never wanted to share anything with anyone else. After understanding that giving to others makes no difference from giving it to myself; and that every creature in this world used to be my mother at one time(at some point in my past lives. I think "mother" in here does not simply mean the person who gave you birth.), I mind very little sharing my belonggings with others. They are materials afterall. We cannot bring anything to this world when we're born, neither can we take anything with us when we die. So what's the big deal? Give it to others if they're in need. Right?

I've been wanting to write about a lot of thoughts about Buddhism since last Saturday. But I just got too many thoughts and I simply didn't know where to start. The Japanese nun showed me some pictures of the place she lives made me think that living as a monk or a nun in a Tibetan district(within Sichuan Province of China) seemed like a life of heaven to me. I would like to do exactly the same if I didn't have anything left I wanna do in my current life. I still wanna get married and have children.

Being a monk or a nun is the best way of practicing Buddhism. For now, I'll have to do the second best which is to practice while accommodating my current lifestyle. There's so much I can do. Well, when I know there's so much I should be doing, I don't know what to do or where to start. I wish I could dedicate all my time and energy to practice. But obviously it's not possible with a full-time job.

I'll write more about Buddhism when I can. Hope you're all happy and well.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Selfish Me

Some days I feel great and life just seems so good. Some days like these couple of days I just get so much to think about and make me feel everything in life sucks. When it comes to time like now, I just wish I had a gun so I could end all my problems and stop fighting them.

When I'm feeling good, I can listen to all those beautiful voices telling me that everyone loves me, the world is always on my side, and all I need is patience and time to fix my problems. At times like now, I can only hear negative voices... my problems will never go away; I'll never get the kind of life that I want; and I'll always be who I used to be: miserable, low-self esteem, no confidence, no people skills, no hope, no life...

I've been a selfish person all my life. Now I wanna change that part of me. I thought I was getting better at it. But when it comes to favors that others ask me to do, the selfish part of me still beats up the generous voice. The difference now is that I can see that I'm being selfish. But this creates a fight inside of my head and it makes me regret the way I treated others. Then I feel I'm just so hopeless. All these positive affirmations are not working. Then what the hell did I work so hard for?

When people ask me favors, I get a hard time trying to figure out whether they think of me as their friend or just trying to use me. If I ever doubt that they're trying to use me, then I'm likely refuse to help. I could be paranoid(mostly likely, but I'm not sure) or is this just a sign of low self-esteem? Anyways, it makes me feel guilty for lying to others saying that I couldn't help because I had other things to do.

Lulabelle, I admire you for having such a beatiful gun. Well, we all hope that we'll never have to use it, but it probably feels great(powerful?) to have one. Especially like the one Lulabelle has.

Anyways, it feels good to put my thoughts down. It clears out my mind. I know I've got to work towards the positive aspects of life no matter how terrible and frustrating I felt today.

There's this wise university professor from Taiwan whom I admire said that though we often think human relationship is between you and others, but actually it's a relationship between you and yourself. If you hate yourself, you're likely to hate others as well. If you love others, others mostly like will love you too. If you're unhappy with yourself, you're likely to be unhappy with the rest of the world. It makes sense, doesn't it? I used to hate myself(still do sometimes) and no wonder I couldn't get along with the rest of the world!

I will feel great again tomorrow. My problems won't go away, but I will figure out how to deal with my problems. I will, from now on, be able to feel happy to do favors for others. Helping others will actually feel like helping myself. I will be able to feel that way someday, hopefully soon...

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Crazy Me

Well, everyone who's been reading my blog might think I'm crazy when you hear this. I think I recovered from my "love flu." That soon? Just in a couple of days? Yes... I'm recovering from both a a real flu and this one. After I calmed down, I realized how unrealistic for us to be together and how my desire to be in love tricked me to think I liked that guy. Well, of course I still like him, but it's not love. Well, you could say that I'm being realistic too. I don't wanna get involved in someone who might leave this country anytime.

We had three days off in Beijing for the new year's celebration. Since I was sick, I spent most of the days staying at home and watched three movies. One was called "Changeling," starred by Angelina Jolie and directed by Clint Eastwood. A true story took place around 1930s that portrayed a single mom whose kid disappeared one day, who ended up fighting against LAPD's corrupted, immoral and inhumane hierarchy. About Clint Eastwood's work, well you all know how great he is. I can't find a good way to express it. But I'll say that I like his movie better than movies he appeared except "The Bridges of Madison County(well, actually he directed this one too)." Angelina Jolie did an excellent job at acting and her voice sounded so sexy. One thing about her bothers me so much though. Her lips! It seems like she's done something more to them. They just looked huge and flappy. Seriously, I don't understand what makes her think they look better that way. I think she'll look much better if she did nothing. It's just a pity.


The second one I watched was the one I've been dying to see... "Quantum of Solace(007)" by Daniel Craig. The second movie after Daniel Craig was chosen to act James Bond since "Casino Royale." It wasn't as good as "Casino Royale"(as I expected), but I still lose my mind for a couple of days after watching a movie with Daniel Craig in it. An amazing actor who still looks the coolest even when his whole face is covered with mud! I wanna get a huge and good quality poster of him and put up on the wall in my room. I think that way I can work out more and lose weight. Well, he has the sexiest body you've never seen!

Both were excellent movies. HIGHLY recommended. But if you ever watch "Quantum of Solace," make sure you see "Casino Royale" first. The stories are linked.

Have a nice week~~~~ And if you got a minute, please pray for Lulabelle's nephew's safe return from a war zone.

Friday, January 2, 2009

In Love with Lover or Love?

A lot of times, I can tell that I'm more in love with "love" than the man. The wonderings, doubts, confusions, passion, hope and the desire of getting to know the person are the ones occupying my mind and making my heart beat fast. And sometimes I'm not so sure whether I'm really in love with the man or not.

Don't we become blind when we fall in love because we're more in love with "love?" And that's preventing us from seeing the truth and facts about the one we think we love?

It seems like true for my past relationships anyways...

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Sick

Visited two Buddhist temples today in this freezing weather. Thought I was gonna die. Couldn't really enjoy it because it was just too cold. And I also caught cold and wasn't feeling well.

Well, I've calmed down a little bit today. Maybe I had too much caffein yesterday. I don't know what it is, sometimes I just have a hard time to control my emotions(a lot of times).

I'm still confused. I'm not sure if he is the one I want... One thing I know for sure is that I wanna get to know him. I've never seen anyone who has travelled as much as he did, speaks as many languages and has as much intelligence as he does. I'd like to hear all his countless stories. I'm sure that listening to him would be like reading a real-life novel. And it'll be full of dramas, emotions and surprises. Would that be okay if we just become very good friends? I guess it'll be fine if both of us didn't have feelings towards each other... And is it the case right now? I don't know. Also working together makes it harder.

Well, I'm gonna forget about all this and just go to sleep. Everything will be okay, I know it will.