Selfish Me

Some days I feel great and life just seems so good. Some days like these couple of days I just get so much to think about and make me feel everything in life sucks. When it comes to time like now, I just wish I had a gun so I could end all my problems and stop fighting them.

When I'm feeling good, I can listen to all those beautiful voices telling me that everyone loves me, the world is always on my side, and all I need is patience and time to fix my problems. At times like now, I can only hear negative voices... my problems will never go away; I'll never get the kind of life that I want; and I'll always be who I used to be: miserable, low-self esteem, no confidence, no people skills, no hope, no life...

I've been a selfish person all my life. Now I wanna change that part of me. I thought I was getting better at it. But when it comes to favors that others ask me to do, the selfish part of me still beats up the generous voice. The difference now is that I can see that I'm being selfish. But this creates a fight inside of my head and it makes me regret the way I treated others. Then I feel I'm just so hopeless. All these positive affirmations are not working. Then what the hell did I work so hard for?

When people ask me favors, I get a hard time trying to figure out whether they think of me as their friend or just trying to use me. If I ever doubt that they're trying to use me, then I'm likely refuse to help. I could be paranoid(mostly likely, but I'm not sure) or is this just a sign of low self-esteem? Anyways, it makes me feel guilty for lying to others saying that I couldn't help because I had other things to do.

Lulabelle, I admire you for having such a beatiful gun. Well, we all hope that we'll never have to use it, but it probably feels great(powerful?) to have one. Especially like the one Lulabelle has.

Anyways, it feels good to put my thoughts down. It clears out my mind. I know I've got to work towards the positive aspects of life no matter how terrible and frustrating I felt today.

There's this wise university professor from Taiwan whom I admire said that though we often think human relationship is between you and others, but actually it's a relationship between you and yourself. If you hate yourself, you're likely to hate others as well. If you love others, others mostly like will love you too. If you're unhappy with yourself, you're likely to be unhappy with the rest of the world. It makes sense, doesn't it? I used to hate myself(still do sometimes) and no wonder I couldn't get along with the rest of the world!

I will feel great again tomorrow. My problems won't go away, but I will figure out how to deal with my problems. I will, from now on, be able to feel happy to do favors for others. Helping others will actually feel like helping myself. I will be able to feel that way someday, hopefully soon...