October 29, 2008

Nothing much going on these days. Just work and home. Morning exercises and reading daily affirmation statements. I'm still afraid of talking to people and am very uncomfortable when making eye contacts, but I am getting a little better. I'm not that much afraid of elevators these days.

After seeing 007 Casino Royal by Daniel Craig, I became of big fan of Daniel Craig. What an excellent actor! I watched some of Daniel Craig's other movies as well. If you're reading this and haven't seen Casino Royal yet, I HIGHLY recommend it. If you think it's just one of 007s, you're wrong. Just watch it, then you'll know what I'm talking about.

Now Quantum of Solace is coming up. But I just realized that unfortunately I have no one to go with. I'm new in this place and haven't made any friends yet. I'm thinking whether I should ask a coworker, a guy whom I feel kind of comfortable to be around with, to go with me. But then I don't want him to take it in a wrong way.

Anyway, I'll probably ask him if he's interested since I'm dying to see this movie. And I think a guy probably would like 007.

I wanna join some kind of social activities. I'm still searching. This weekend though, I'm planning to go to the morning Buddhism class at Guang Ji Temple. I'll probably meet mostly older people there. Maybe this time I'll take more pictures of the monks and other things that I missed. My hope is that I can meet someone in my age who's interested in Buddhism as well. That'll be great!

Hope you all are enjoying life! All we have to do is to change our point of view, then we'll see how beautiful life is...

Guang Ji Temple (广济寺）

Hi all, here are some of the pictures of Guang Ji Temple in Beijing I visited on Oct. 19. I wanted to give details about each picture as well as the Buddhist temple. I'll do that when I have time. The best and oldest I've ever seen. I loved its atmosphere.

Animal Cruelty

During my lunch time, I saw a homeless black dog looking for food from empty lunch boxes being left on the side of the street. Whenever and wherever I see dogs and cats, I always wanna look at them. When I took a close look, something caught my attention. Looked like a wire or something was tightly surrounding his wrist and I could see his flesh. I tried to get close to him thinking of maybe I could do something about it. He was afraid of people(naturally) and ran away.

I couldn't do something to help the dog. But I could do one thing to whoever did this to the poor helpless animal. I sentenced that person a death penalty!

I know I'm being silly(to sentence a death penalty in my mind). But this is one thing I can never tolerate. My curse to whoever did this might be meaningless, but this person will get a bad karma for his sick unforgivable behavior.

The Importance of Daily Affirmation

I thought I was doing well. So I quit my reading excercises including reading out my daily affirmation statements. Then I could see the difference right away. I was all nervous all the time again.

Today I went back on track of my daily practice. Reading out loud my affirmation statements that I created for my self. They're all positive statements about myself and good wishes for my family. I have to say they do help a lot.

Keep telling your mind something, your mind will eventually believe it. Keep telling yourself positive things, one day you'll automatically believe what you've been telling yourself. That's the way it works!

I meant to post pictures of a Buddhist temple I visited on the past Sunday. I will do that soon.

I Love My Life

It turns out that once the people at work get used to me, they can be friendly too. Although they do say that there're very little interactions between coworkers.

I decided I'm not gonna think that other people don't like me anymore. Most of the time I'm just being paranoid. People either don't know me well yet or are just not interested in getting to know me. But they DON"T DISLIKE me. Now I can see this. I'm so glad I do!

Anyway, I feel most comfortable around Chinese people. I'm looking to make some friends here. I know I will.

I have so much to look forward in life. I have positive people around me who care for me and give me wise advice. So much fun and other important things to look forward... I'm full of hope for the near future.

Everyone enjoy your weekend!

Source of My Problems

I've been thinking about the source of my problems. I've realized it's how uncomfortable I am with myself. Once other people sense how uncomfotable you are, it makes them uncomfortable as well, so they don't wanna hang out with you. I mean I wouldn't like to hang out with a person like myself either. I like people who are pleasant to talk to too. That's right, I'm not pleasant and fun to talk to. In fact, I'm the total opposite. I don't know how to make eye contacts. When I'm talking to someone, all I'm paying attention to is eye contact. I keep thinking the timing of eye contacts. That makes others uncomfortable, that's why they don't wanna be around me.

I don't blame them. It's my problem not theirs. I seriously don't know how or what to say to others. I don't know how to be myself. I have a self that I don't like. It's easy to say if you wanna like other people, you'll have to like yourself first. I understand that logic, but I don't know how to like myself. I'm not always thinking that I don't like myself. I just end up acting that way. Now it's a habit, and I don't know how to change it.

I don't like to end my posting with a negative feeling about life. So I'll say that no matter what happens, I'll keep trying to overcome my problems.

The Insecure Self

I wanna write about something but don't know what. Nothing much happpened today. I had lunch by myself. I didn't feel that lonely though. Well, maybe I felt slightly lonely. Am I getting securer? I used to hate to eat by myself in a public situation. I feel like everyone's looking and laughing at me for having no friends. Well, that's what my Japanese junior high classmates did to me, and I still can't get over it. Fortunately, Chinese pepole won't do that. Most Chinese are mentally healthy.

I've lost myself soon after we emigrated to Japan. I used be a confident kid. But then my confidence was all torn down by my miserable experiences in Japan. It's been 16 years! I've been trying to get the "self" back, but I haven't been successful yet. I still don't know how exactly I can get it back and be myself again.

I'm extremely insecure about myself. After being put down and staying at the bottom of my life for so long, an insecure self was formed. It's really sad. I haven't figured out how to change this pattern.

We human beings are too intelligent. We hold onto things too much. Not like dogs, that's why in my mind they're all angels. They don't hold onto their bad experiences. They move on to experience the good. They live in the now.

It's easy to say "just get over it." Yes, I wish! I just hope it won't take me another 16 years to fix my problems.

I'm trying to make a difference. Although I'm not doing the whole package I should do every day, but I do practice at least one thing which helps with my issues. With my fellow blogger dan's suggestions, I've created my own affirmation statements to read everyday.

Wish me luck! Thanks!

My Mighty Sister

Once you get on the right track, life starts making sense. That's exactly how I am feeling right now.

I talked to my sister over the phone last night. She still lives in Japan with three kids and a Japanese husband. She has gone through so much with her marriage life. I admire her courage to have been able to endure that many hardships, something I couldn't do in million years. She's always had the right attitude towards life -- facing whatever problems she encounters head on. I have, on the other hand, been running away from my problems. Whenever I sensed a little bit difficulty, next minute I was gone.

My sister and I have had different personalities as long as I can remember. Those differences tore us apart from time to time. She used to lecture me about a lot of things I did. At the time, I didn't see it as her love towards me. I resented her for giving me a hard time. Now I do realize that she did that for my own sake.

I've never treasured our relationship until recently years. But now I appreciate the fact that I have a strong-willed sister like her. It gives me more power as well. I admire her determination to stay on top of everything in her life no matter what hurdles that are in front of her. She is that strong and secure. Completely the opposite of me.

Last night, my sister mentioned about maybe coming back to China in a couple of years. At least she wants to let her kids see China. I am looking forward so much to seeing her back to China so that our family is together again. Her staying in China permanently won't be a simple matter, but at least if we can see her once a year here, it's still not so bad. Just imagining our family being together on our own soil gave me a delightful hope.

My family means everything to me. They're the engine that drives me to overcome my problems and to work hard towards my goals. I hope our dream will come true one day.

Interesting Interview Test

An interview I had with an industry research company gave me a written test which included these questions as follows. No internet search or dictionary is allowed to use during the test.

1. How many golf balls do you think the room you're in can fit into? (Note: nothing else was given such as the room or a golf ball's size.)

2. With the following clues, please answer how many refrigerators were sold in 2007. You are allowed to make assumptions. Please also explain how you have reached to your conclusion.

• The number of households in the US in 2007 were 100 million.
• Refrigerators last and function properly for 16 years.
• The number of households will increase to 105 million in 2012.

Other questions included the GDP of China in 2007 and the capital of Spain. I knew the capital of Spain but didn't know about China's GDP (US$6.9 trillion).

I think this job is more suitable more graduate students who majored in economics. We'll see. They will invite qualified candidates to the second interview next week. But I guess I'll never get the answers to these questions if I won't get hired.

P.S. Yes, I'm already working a job. But I've been recommended to keep looking for better opportunities. It seems completely acceptable in China if a new employee jumps onto another job after a week of current employment or takes time off for a different interview on the third day of his new job.

Back on Track

I was feeling all better today. That nervousness I had the day before is gone. I'm more relaxed.

Now I completed my first step towards who I want to become by having found a job. So time for the next move! I have no friends in this place. I've got to find ways to make some, maybe some people who are interested in Buddhism as well.

About this job though, it's kind of weird. A co-worker said that the corporate culture of our company is "no culture." Everyone just comes, works, and goes home. Nobody seems to care about others' business or even try to be friendly to you. Well, maybe I'm new and don't know what's going on yet. But that's the feeling I've got from this office so far. No human relationships mean no stress, although it also means no fun. But I think it works out for me right now as I have no people skills at all. I do eventually want to work a job with more challenges and fun though, maybe in the future when I'm more confident.

You all have a good weekend! I will too.

Caffeine and depression: Is there a link?

What is the relationship between caffeine and depression? Does caffeine make depression worse?

- Lisa / Tennessee

Mayo Clinic psychiatrist Daniel Hall-Flavin, M.D., and colleagues answer select questions from readers.

Answer

The exact relationship between caffeine and depression isn't clear. There's no evidence that caffeine — a mild stimulant — causes depression. However, some people are more sensitive to the effects of caffeine than are others. In such individuals, caffeine may worsen existing depression. How or why this occurs isn't clear. But several theories exist.

• Although caffeine initially gives you a "lift," it may later have the opposite effect as the effects of the caffeine wear off.
• Caffeine can make it more difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep. A lack of sleep can worsen depression.
• Caffeine appears to have some effect on blood sugar, especially in people with diabetes. Fluctuations in blood sugar can be associated with mood changes.

If you have depression, you may consider limiting or avoiding caffeine to see if it helps improve your mood. However, caffeine can be habit-forming. So an abrupt decrease in caffeine can cause withdrawal symptoms, such as headaches, fatigue, irritability and nervousness. To lessen these withdrawal effects, gradually reduce the amount of caffeine you consume. For example, drink one fewer can of caffeinated soda or one fewer cup of caffeinated coffee a day.

(Source from: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/caffeine-and-depression/AN01700）

Not So Good

I was nervous all day today. I don't know what's making the difference. The only thing I did different was that I had coffee this morning. Once I read somewhere that caffein make depression worse, I didn't believe it. Is it true after all?

I even thought that my life was horrible and not worth living. I used to think like that a lot. I know I'm being negative again and I shouldn't be doing that. It's hard to stay positive when positive things don't happen to you, and you don't know how to make them happen. Sometimes I just feel I'm losing it. Losing hope that I'll ever lead a normal life.

Anyways, I can think like that one day and I'll try to come back onto the track again. Well putting it down this way actually makes me feel better. I feel like releasing my negativities. Blogging is great.

New Job

So today was my first day at the new job. Didn't really do anything, just signed the contract, had lunch with some coworkers (very nice spicy food, loved it), and read some materials. But a lady caught me chatting with a friend... She seems like an administration staff who helps around the office. Is it kind of bad to get caught chatting on the first day? Well, at least she wasn't my boss. It would've been sooo embarrassing.

Well, China is the one country that makes new employees go check up their health before getting hired. Maybe this started after SARS? Well, maybe since a lot of people are from rural areas and they may bring disease to the city. So I went to the check-up yesterday. One tube of blood was taken. Also had type-B ultrasonic. The nurse said my heart beat rate was slower than usual. So I asked her if it was a good thing. She said people exercise often have slower heart beat rate. I don't exercise regularly, but I liked what I heard. Does it mean I have a stronger heart? Or is my yoga exercise I do from time to time contributing? Does it even mean that maybe I'm a calm person? It probably doesn't....hehe... But I'd like to think that way. I was happy about the result anyway.

China is also one country where a suit is not required for interviews and jeans are allowed to wear at work. Of course not all workplaces are like that, but a lot of them have no dress code. Today, I kind of dressed nicely, but I'm gonna dress down tomorrow.

October 4th

I've been sick for these couple of days. I think I got it from my cousin's kid when he passed food to me with his little fingers. I hesitated to eat but didn't wanna be rude since he was trying to be nice. He's been sick for a week or so. He didn't like me in the beginning, but he's now getting used to me. It makes me happy. He's so cute.

I didn't even go to the interview that was scheduled on Oct.1. Told them that I was sick. They let me have it the day after instead. It was a horrible interview. First of all, I wasn't feeling well and didn't wanna go to begin with. And what makes it the worst was that I didn't even the get company right! I thought it was a different one. The positions' names were exactly the same. Yes, there were clues here and there, and it just didn't ring a bell to me at all because who would ever get the company you interview with wrong!! Well, maybe I am the first one. So as you can imgine, it was awkward.

I've been sleeping or just laying around watching TV even during the day time. I wasn't doing my exercises either. When I did go out, it was so obvious to me that my "mental problem" is quickly getting worse (just by missing positive exercises for a couple of days and staying at home by myself). I went to the supermarket yesterday, and I was a mess. I was nervous all that time, and when had eye contacts with anyone, I freaked out and walked away quickly. I realized these days that what makes me most uncomfortable are eye contacts. It just freaks me out, and I try to avoid them as much as possible. So it's awkward for me and other people too. The same thing goes with my cousin and her husband. They're not just some strangers out there. I'm staying with them. They all say that I can stay as long as I want. We'll have to see.

I'll start working from Monday! I'm still excited! It means I won't be stuck at home all day anymore. I wanna get busy and get a life. That's the way it should be. I need some kind of authority to force me to be busy. Otherwise, I just go too easy on myself. It's no good for my self improvement. I've been that way all my life.