Hello

I haven't been able to access blogger.com for two months now. Now it seems we have limited access here. I still can't access others' blogs.

I'm doing good. I've missed my blogger community and haven't been wondering how everyone is doing. Hope you are all well.

Lulabelle, I can't access your blog. I've missed your blog. Hope you are well!
Hope to read you soon.

Enjoying Life?

Wow, it's been a month since my last posting. How is everyone doing? I just don't have much to say on my blog these days. I know it's a sign that I'm doing better in real life. I do appreciate my progress and the fact that I can enjoy life each day.

Anyways, just wanted to let everyone know that I haven't abandoned my blog.
Enjoy your weekend, I'll come back soon!

Catch and Turn

Very often, I'm angry for no reason. Just feel like picking up a fight with someone. Nobody offended me or anything. Nothing bad happened either. Just irritated for no reason. Why do we do that? Imbalanced horomones?

Well, maybe there were some little things that didn't happen in the way I expected which made me upset. Just some silly things. Maybe I'm too self-centered.

Thanks to Buddhism, now I learned when that happens, first I need to catch myself doing it. Then turn that frustration or irritation into something calm and positive. The hard part is to constantly be aware of the condition of your mind. Sometimes I can only catch that after the storm is gone and the damage is done. However, by practicing this overtime, one should be able to catch it as soon as such irritation appears. The goal is to eventually be free of frustraion, irritaition, jealousy, hatred and all kinds of negative feelings we human beings possess.

I know it sounds difficult, but it's possible by practicing overtime. The key again is consistency. Never give up.

Life is about choices

Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I'd be twins!" He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Michael and asked him, "I don' t get it. You can' t be positive all the time. How do you do it?"

Michael replied, each morning I wake up and say to myself 'Mike, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right. It isn't that easy." I protested.

"Yes it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line is: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Michael said.

Soon thereafter, I left the big enterprise that I had worked in for years to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often though about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard Michael was involved in a serious accident, falling off 60 feet from a communications tower.

After l8 hours of surgery, and weeks of intensive care, Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw Michael about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well being of my soon-to-born daughter," Michael replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, remembered I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Michael continued, "... the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the operation room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, l read 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me" said Michael. "She asked me if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I said. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled", 'Gravity'" Over their laughter, I told them, 'I'm choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead'."

Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude.

I learned from him that every day we have a choice to live fully. Attitude is everything.

(Note: Again I got this from an email that did not note the original source. If anyone finds out, please let me know. I just loved it! Hope you do too.)

Fleeting Life

The sudden death of the actress Natasha Richardson reminded me again how fleeting life and everything in the world can be. I wasn't familiar with her, but her husband Liam Neeson is one of my favorite actors. A successful actress, the mother of two children, a lovely woman left behind everyone who love her and everything she loved, only at age of 45.


Oprah Winfrey :
"I just want to say how deeply saddened I am, we all are, by the sudden passing of actress Natasha Richardson yesterday. Our thoughts and prayers are with her husband Liam Neeson , their two sons, the rest of their family and friends. Yet another reminder of how fleeting life can be and how precious. We need to value every moment."
(Source from: http://omg.yahoo.com/news/lindsay-lohan-meryl-streep-remember-nat)

We tend to think that we all live childhood, teenage, adulthood, then old age; that we all live today and will be living tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and so on. But life has always been suggesting otherwise. Your life or mine can be ended anytime today or tomorrow. When you leave home in the morning, there's no guarantee that you will return at night. That's how fragile and short life can be.

Just like Oprah said, knowing this truth of life makes us treasure today, right this moment. Makes us appreciate what we have and who we have in our lives, each day, each moment. Urges us to seize every moment we can to work hard towards our goals.

How lucky we are to live this wonderful day...


P.S. I'm inviting fellow bloggers to correct my English. I'm sure there're a lot of errors in my writing, or maybe just unnatural English phrases and sentences. I'll really appreciate it if any of you are interested in doing so. I can tell that I'm losing my English these days, especially for the speaking part. I get no one to talk to in here! Gotta find some native friends...

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Interview with God

"Come in," God said to me, "so, you would like to interview Me?"

"If you have the time," I said.

He smiled through His beard and said: "My time is called eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?"

"None that are new to you. What's the one thing that surprises you most about mankind?"

He answered: "That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they never had never lived."

His hands took mine and we were silent. After a long period, I said, "May I ask you another question?"

He replied with a smile.

"As a Father, what would you ask your children to do for the new year?"

"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.

To learn that it takes years to build trust, and a few seconds to destroy it.

To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives.

To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. There will be others better or worse than they are.

To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

To learn that they should control their attitudes, otherwise their attitudes will control them.

To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them.

To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.

To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to show their feelings.

To learn that money can buy everything but happiness.

To learn that while at times they may be entitled to be upset, that does not give them the right to upset those around them.

To learn that great dreams do not require great wings, but a landing gear to achieve.

To learn that true friends are scarce, he/she who has found one has found a true treasure.

To learn that they are masters of what they keep to themselves and slaves of what they say.

To learn that they shall reap what they plant; if they plant gossip they will harvest intrigues, if they plant love they will harvest happiness.

To learn that true happiness is not to achieve their goals but to learn to be satisfied with what they already achieved.

To learn that happiness is a decision. They decide to be happy with what they are and have, or die from envy and jealousy of what they lack.

To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

To learn that those who are honest with themselves without considering the consequences go far in life.

To learn that even though they may think they have nothing to give, when a friend cries with them, they find the strength to appease the pain.

To learn that by trying to hold on to love ones, they very quickly push them away; and by letting go of those they love, they will be side by side forever.”

(Note: I got this piece from an email sent to me and I do not know the original source. I looked the internet but found tons of similar sources. This is great and so true anyways. Hope you enjoy it!)

Umm...

The other day I dreamed of myself being pregnant...Too bad I don't remember all the details.

Weird...

Another Strange Dream

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Seems like we were all visiting some rural place and staying in a old dirty looking motel. I was sleeping in my room. Then I felt someone pressed his lips against mine but I couldn't tell it was a dream or real. I was too tired to wake up. I was thinking it must be a dream, but it just felt too real for a dream. I finally woke up and realized it was not a dream. He was laying next to me telling me that he was wondering if I wanted this too. Seems like he sneaked into my room while I was sleeping. I thought I should've locked the door. I said no. I was still too sleepy to completely be awake and be freaked out. He stayed on my bed for a while, maybe to see if I might change my mind. Then he got up. As he was putting his clothes on, I kind of didn't want him to go.

After he left, I couldn't fall back to sleep. All of sudden, I started seeing shadows inside of the room. I thought it must be a dream. But they kept showing up. Then I saw shadows showing up outside of the window as well. I was terribly scared. Finally, I decided to go visit his room. As I was getting dressed, he opened the door again asking me if I wanted to join them to get something to eat and maybe just leave this place from there. I was disappointed and cranky. I said no. He left again. I had to stay in that creepy room by myself.
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God knows why I'm dreaming of him again. A weired dream that had dreams inside of the dream. It felt so real that I could only realize it was really a dream after I woke up.

Well, hope I don't develop the special ability to see ghosts!

The One of a Lifetime

Some people say that everyone has the one of lifetime who's destined to be bonded with. Others say it's like winning a lottery to find that destined one, and it won't happen to most people. Instead they'll more likely to marry someone who's not the righ one. Some also say that the first time he met his wife, he knew immediately that she were the one.

For me, this is all confusing. Where should I look? What should I be hoping for? Should I not think about it at all since some people say that destined one will appear when you least expected.

I know, the right attitude towards this is to live and enjoy my life, not to think about it too much, and eventually he'll appear. Will I know it if it does happen? I have no idea. What if he will never do? Is that a possiblity too? I guess so. There's no guarantees in life. Will I end up empty handed in the ending days of my life? Guess that's totally possible too.

Well, just wondering... We all need to be in love. That's for sure.

Nothing much...

I love blogging, but these days I don't know what I wanna write about. I miss writing something to share with other bloggers. So I'm just gonna write whatever comes up to mind tonight.

Well, life is short. I hear people say that all the time. I never gave much thought of it before. But now I do. Now I feel life is too short that I won't be able to have enough time to accomplish whatever that is I wanna do in life. A sense of urgency? Yes, an urgency that I feel I need to hurry to start doing whatever that is I wanna accomplish.

These days I think I have found my purpose of life. I wanna pursue the way of life as a Buddhist for the rest of my life. And it is Tibetan Buddhism. On the other hand, I also wanna get married and find the true soulmate whose purpose of life is as same as mine.

Well, I do still have a lot of confusions going on such as whether at some point I wanna become a nun. But as long as I have that kind of confusions, I won't decide what to do. So I'll take it slowly and see what happens.

May you all be satisfied and happy with your life... Life is wonderful!

Strange Dreams

For those of you who have been following my blog may remember once I wrote about this guy I work with that I thought I had feelings of. Later I said it was unreal for us to be together and I was over it. But you know what? This guy has appeared in my dream a couple of days ago....again! Yes, it was the second time that he appeared in my dream as my boyfriend.

I dreamed of him out of no reason at all. I was not thinking about him and I thought I was over him. In both dreams, we were at either my home or his. In the second dream, he actually confessed his feelings towards me, then the next scene, we were at home eating with other coworkers(though no face looked familiar to me, but just seemed like they were our coworkers). And the coworkers were giving out ideas about how we should handle our relationship at work.

One thing for sure is that I SO want to have a serious relationship that would lead to marriage. As of him, he is not Chinese. Although he says he doesn't think he'll eventually go back to his country, but I think eventually that's what he'll do(back to his country). And it's unimaginable for me to live in his country. I would not want to leave China again.

There's also another problem...his height. He's probably shorter than me. I've never dated anyone who's shorter than myself. It is kind of a problem for me...

One friend has said that the reason I dreamed of him is probably because of my strong desire to be romantically involved with someone. I'll try to think this way instead of seeing him in a romantic way. It's just surreal to be with him.

It's Chinese New Year Eve last night. I've got 7 days off that I don't know what to do with! I've got to do something meaningful during this break. Else I'll just be sitting at home doing nothing all day. I've got to do something productive! I may go visit one temple each day. We'll see.

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone!

The Path to Become a Buddhist

I am into Buddhism more than ever now. I have just met a Tibetan nun last Saturday who is originally from Japan. Spending a whole day with her, I felt that Buddhism has become something that I'd like to pursue and cherish for the rest of my life, and even becoming a nun could be possbile.

With only a little Buddhist practice, I've become a happier, more relaxed and generous person than I ever was in my whole life. I used to have so much focus on meterials. Most of the times, I never wanted to share anything with anyone else. After understanding that giving to others makes no difference from giving it to myself; and that every creature in this world used to be my mother at one time(at some point in my past lives. I think "mother" in here does not simply mean the person who gave you birth.), I mind very little sharing my belonggings with others. They are materials afterall. We cannot bring anything to this world when we're born, neither can we take anything with us when we die. So what's the big deal? Give it to others if they're in need. Right?

I've been wanting to write about a lot of thoughts about Buddhism since last Saturday. But I just got too many thoughts and I simply didn't know where to start. The Japanese nun showed me some pictures of the place she lives made me think that living as a monk or a nun in a Tibetan district(within Sichuan Province of China) seemed like a life of heaven to me. I would like to do exactly the same if I didn't have anything left I wanna do in my current life. I still wanna get married and have children.

Being a monk or a nun is the best way of practicing Buddhism. For now, I'll have to do the second best which is to practice while accommodating my current lifestyle. There's so much I can do. Well, when I know there's so much I should be doing, I don't know what to do or where to start. I wish I could dedicate all my time and energy to practice. But obviously it's not possible with a full-time job.

I'll write more about Buddhism when I can. Hope you're all happy and well.

Selfish Me

Some days I feel great and life just seems so good. Some days like these couple of days I just get so much to think about and make me feel everything in life sucks. When it comes to time like now, I just wish I had a gun so I could end all my problems and stop fighting them.

When I'm feeling good, I can listen to all those beautiful voices telling me that everyone loves me, the world is always on my side, and all I need is patience and time to fix my problems. At times like now, I can only hear negative voices... my problems will never go away; I'll never get the kind of life that I want; and I'll always be who I used to be: miserable, low-self esteem, no confidence, no people skills, no hope, no life...

I've been a selfish person all my life. Now I wanna change that part of me. I thought I was getting better at it. But when it comes to favors that others ask me to do, the selfish part of me still beats up the generous voice. The difference now is that I can see that I'm being selfish. But this creates a fight inside of my head and it makes me regret the way I treated others. Then I feel I'm just so hopeless. All these positive affirmations are not working. Then what the hell did I work so hard for?

When people ask me favors, I get a hard time trying to figure out whether they think of me as their friend or just trying to use me. If I ever doubt that they're trying to use me, then I'm likely refuse to help. I could be paranoid(mostly likely, but I'm not sure) or is this just a sign of low self-esteem? Anyways, it makes me feel guilty for lying to others saying that I couldn't help because I had other things to do.

Lulabelle, I admire you for having such a beatiful gun. Well, we all hope that we'll never have to use it, but it probably feels great(powerful?) to have one. Especially like the one Lulabelle has.

Anyways, it feels good to put my thoughts down. It clears out my mind. I know I've got to work towards the positive aspects of life no matter how terrible and frustrating I felt today.

There's this wise university professor from Taiwan whom I admire said that though we often think human relationship is between you and others, but actually it's a relationship between you and yourself. If you hate yourself, you're likely to hate others as well. If you love others, others mostly like will love you too. If you're unhappy with yourself, you're likely to be unhappy with the rest of the world. It makes sense, doesn't it? I used to hate myself(still do sometimes) and no wonder I couldn't get along with the rest of the world!

I will feel great again tomorrow. My problems won't go away, but I will figure out how to deal with my problems. I will, from now on, be able to feel happy to do favors for others. Helping others will actually feel like helping myself. I will be able to feel that way someday, hopefully soon...

Crazy Me

Well, everyone who's been reading my blog might think I'm crazy when you hear this. I think I recovered from my "love flu." That soon? Just in a couple of days? Yes... I'm recovering from both a a real flu and this one. After I calmed down, I realized how unrealistic for us to be together and how my desire to be in love tricked me to think I liked that guy. Well, of course I still like him, but it's not love. Well, you could say that I'm being realistic too. I don't wanna get involved in someone who might leave this country anytime.

We had three days off in Beijing for the new year's celebration. Since I was sick, I spent most of the days staying at home and watched three movies. One was called "Changeling," starred by Angelina Jolie and directed by Clint Eastwood. A true story took place around 1930s that portrayed a single mom whose kid disappeared one day, who ended up fighting against LAPD's corrupted, immoral and inhumane hierarchy. About Clint Eastwood's work, well you all know how great he is. I can't find a good way to express it. But I'll say that I like his movie better than movies he appeared except "The Bridges of Madison County(well, actually he directed this one too)." Angelina Jolie did an excellent job at acting and her voice sounded so sexy. One thing about her bothers me so much though. Her lips! It seems like she's done something more to them. They just looked huge and flappy. Seriously, I don't understand what makes her think they look better that way. I think she'll look much better if she did nothing. It's just a pity.


The second one I watched was the one I've been dying to see... "Quantum of Solace(007)" by Daniel Craig. The second movie after Daniel Craig was chosen to act James Bond since "Casino Royale." It wasn't as good as "Casino Royale"(as I expected), but I still lose my mind for a couple of days after watching a movie with Daniel Craig in it. An amazing actor who still looks the coolest even when his whole face is covered with mud! I wanna get a huge and good quality poster of him and put up on the wall in my room. I think that way I can work out more and lose weight. Well, he has the sexiest body you've never seen!

Both were excellent movies. HIGHLY recommended. But if you ever watch "Quantum of Solace," make sure you see "Casino Royale" first. The stories are linked.

Have a nice week~~~~ And if you got a minute, please pray for Lulabelle's nephew's safe return from a war zone.

In Love with Lover or Love?

A lot of times, I can tell that I'm more in love with "love" than the man. The wonderings, doubts, confusions, passion, hope and the desire of getting to know the person are the ones occupying my mind and making my heart beat fast. And sometimes I'm not so sure whether I'm really in love with the man or not.

Don't we become blind when we fall in love because we're more in love with "love?" And that's preventing us from seeing the truth and facts about the one we think we love?

It seems like true for my past relationships anyways...

Sick

Visited two Buddhist temples today in this freezing weather. Thought I was gonna die. Couldn't really enjoy it because it was just too cold. And I also caught cold and wasn't feeling well.

Well, I've calmed down a little bit today. Maybe I had too much caffein yesterday. I don't know what it is, sometimes I just have a hard time to control my emotions(a lot of times).

I'm still confused. I'm not sure if he is the one I want... One thing I know for sure is that I wanna get to know him. I've never seen anyone who has travelled as much as he did, speaks as many languages and has as much intelligence as he does. I'd like to hear all his countless stories. I'm sure that listening to him would be like reading a real-life novel. And it'll be full of dramas, emotions and surprises. Would that be okay if we just become very good friends? I guess it'll be fine if both of us didn't have feelings towards each other... And is it the case right now? I don't know. Also working together makes it harder.

Well, I'm gonna forget about all this and just go to sleep. Everything will be okay, I know it will.