Nothing much going on today. Usually I come here to release my frustrations and all that negativities, but I had a good day today. Went out with my cousin's family (her husband and kid) to a newly built forest park nearby. While we enjoyed some fresher air and had some fun, I also got a phone call for another interview tomorrow. Then my cousin and I went shopping together. Huge shopping malls filled with shoppers. God we have too many head counts in China! Too many people everywhere in Beijing, always crowded. But it was fun. Felt like my cousin and I were getting closer to each other.
A lot of fun going on in Beijing! I'm really looking forward to enjoying all of it! Can't wait to share with you guys!!
And I'll start working very soon. Very excited, can't wait! It's almost been a year since I quit my last job... So I'm ready to work hard. I'm sure it won't be easy, and I'll get frustrated and pressured just like all the jobs I'd done. But I'll try my best to work things out. We'll see what happens.
To everyone who's reading this right now, I wish happiness in your life too. Don't let one bad day ruin your mood. Never forget that another beautiful day will for sure to come. Open your heart and your arms, welcome all the goodness of life coming upon you...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Attention Drawer
I'm so afraid of being in the center of attention. But I only hate it in daily life situations. On the other hand, I love to give presentations, speeches, or even sing in front of a lot of people. I know it's weird, but it's just the way I am.
A beatiful and nicely dressed girl draws attention from men on the street. That's just the way it goes. But it's that attention on the street freaks me out. I'm not knock out or anything. I'm probably 6-7 out 10 points if being rated. I know how to dress though, and I enjoy being fashionable. But I'm very uncomfortable with any attention I draw from public situations. Yeah, I guess I could dress down and not put much make-up on. In fact, I don't even put make-up on since I arrived in China. As for my clothes, I usually don't buy crappy cheap clothes. Maybe I should give up all nice clothes and go buy some cheap ugly ones...?
Chinese men can be rude when it comes to checking out girls. I'm not talking about educated ones. I'm talking about those I see in a market and on the street. Some are selling vegetables, some are construction workers. I'm talking about them. They literally stair at you!! Sometimes I wanna punch them in their face! Of course, in reality, I never say a thing to anyone.
I once told a friend that I wish I were uglier. I meant it. That way, I won't get anyone's attention. I'll only get one guy's attention who falls in love with my personality not the way I look. That's what I want.
Maybe I really should go buy some Chinese standard plain clothes...
A beatiful and nicely dressed girl draws attention from men on the street. That's just the way it goes. But it's that attention on the street freaks me out. I'm not knock out or anything. I'm probably 6-7 out 10 points if being rated. I know how to dress though, and I enjoy being fashionable. But I'm very uncomfortable with any attention I draw from public situations. Yeah, I guess I could dress down and not put much make-up on. In fact, I don't even put make-up on since I arrived in China. As for my clothes, I usually don't buy crappy cheap clothes. Maybe I should give up all nice clothes and go buy some cheap ugly ones...?
Chinese men can be rude when it comes to checking out girls. I'm not talking about educated ones. I'm talking about those I see in a market and on the street. Some are selling vegetables, some are construction workers. I'm talking about them. They literally stair at you!! Sometimes I wanna punch them in their face! Of course, in reality, I never say a thing to anyone.
I once told a friend that I wish I were uglier. I meant it. That way, I won't get anyone's attention. I'll only get one guy's attention who falls in love with my personality not the way I look. That's what I want.
Maybe I really should go buy some Chinese standard plain clothes...
Elevator
In an elevator, being stuck with a total stranger makes me very very uncomfortable. I wish I lived on the 3rd or 4th floor so that I could just walk up the stairs.
I know I'm just thinking too much of it and am afraid of nothing. But I can't help thinking about it. Should I make an eye contact with the stranger in the elevator? Should I smile to him? But what if he takes it in a wrong way... Is the person looking at me? Should I talk to him?
I mean in the US, it's pretty simple. You just say hi. But in this country, instead of "hi," the greeting can be "oh, you just came back home," or "Did you eat?" But usually you say that to the neighbors you already know.
When anyone in the elevator who's with a kid or a dog, then it's easier for me to comment on the kid or the dog. Well, if it's a dog, then I wouldn't even be able to resist myself to ask about that "angle." I love animals.
But I can't think of anything to say when it's a young guy or a girl. I mean I'm totally fine when there are a group of people in the elevator, and I'm just one of them. I only get uncomfortable when there are only one person left besides me. It just feels so uncomfortable, and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do! Well, if the other person completely ignores me, then I'm fine with that. Sometimes, he or she may look at you and maybe try to say something. Then I'm freaked out! I don't know what the hell I can say to them. Especially when it's a young guy, it's the hardest for me.
I'm sure that people with no mental illness would never think much about this kind of daily life public situations. But for me, these things take up a lot of my thoughts every single day. I know I'm being ridiculous, and there's absolutely no need for me to think about any of these. But too bad, I have no control of my mind. It's all automatic.
Even walking on the street, I have to think about useless little things like "should I look forward; should I look down to avoid eye contact with that person walking towards me; is the person walking towards me looking at me; should I make eye contact with him; why is he looking at me; why is everybody looking at me...?" I know I'm driving myself nuts. But I can't help doing it. I'm uncomfortable all the time.
I suppose all these thoughts are my negative thoughts. I need to find a way to stop getting these negative thoughts in my head and replace them with positive ones. Well, it might sound easy, but I have no idea how to accomplish that.
Well, this is good to write it down this way. It helps me clear my thoughts. Let's see. Maybe next time when I walk on the street or in an elevator with one stranger, I'll try to replace my negative useless thoughts with a happy memory or something nice that can occupy my mind.
Please let me know if someone has any suggestions. I'd appreciate it!
I know I'm just thinking too much of it and am afraid of nothing. But I can't help thinking about it. Should I make an eye contact with the stranger in the elevator? Should I smile to him? But what if he takes it in a wrong way... Is the person looking at me? Should I talk to him?
I mean in the US, it's pretty simple. You just say hi. But in this country, instead of "hi," the greeting can be "oh, you just came back home," or "Did you eat?" But usually you say that to the neighbors you already know.
When anyone in the elevator who's with a kid or a dog, then it's easier for me to comment on the kid or the dog. Well, if it's a dog, then I wouldn't even be able to resist myself to ask about that "angle." I love animals.
But I can't think of anything to say when it's a young guy or a girl. I mean I'm totally fine when there are a group of people in the elevator, and I'm just one of them. I only get uncomfortable when there are only one person left besides me. It just feels so uncomfortable, and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do! Well, if the other person completely ignores me, then I'm fine with that. Sometimes, he or she may look at you and maybe try to say something. Then I'm freaked out! I don't know what the hell I can say to them. Especially when it's a young guy, it's the hardest for me.
I'm sure that people with no mental illness would never think much about this kind of daily life public situations. But for me, these things take up a lot of my thoughts every single day. I know I'm being ridiculous, and there's absolutely no need for me to think about any of these. But too bad, I have no control of my mind. It's all automatic.
Even walking on the street, I have to think about useless little things like "should I look forward; should I look down to avoid eye contact with that person walking towards me; is the person walking towards me looking at me; should I make eye contact with him; why is he looking at me; why is everybody looking at me...?" I know I'm driving myself nuts. But I can't help doing it. I'm uncomfortable all the time.
I suppose all these thoughts are my negative thoughts. I need to find a way to stop getting these negative thoughts in my head and replace them with positive ones. Well, it might sound easy, but I have no idea how to accomplish that.
Well, this is good to write it down this way. It helps me clear my thoughts. Let's see. Maybe next time when I walk on the street or in an elevator with one stranger, I'll try to replace my negative useless thoughts with a happy memory or something nice that can occupy my mind.
Please let me know if someone has any suggestions. I'd appreciate it!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Interview
It was a beautiful day since early this morning. You could even see blue sky through those clouds that never go away from Beijing's skyline. I didn't expect to see a blue sky in Beijing, so I was kind of excited. I even called up my mother to tell her how happy I was to see a little bit blue sky that was looking out through the heavy clouds. The polluted environment was one reason I didn't wanna stay in Beijing. Now I see maybe things can be different. I could even see the surrounding mountains so far away. It was a lovely day.
So I had an interview today. It all went well, by my standard. I wasn't that nervous and I liked the company and the job too. We'll see what happens.
Beijing is actually surprisingly clean and modern. Everything is newly built. They also reuse all tickets they issue. What a great idea! Environment friendly, I like that.
And this clean place is MY own country. Just by thinking of that made me happy and proud. Now if I want a quality life, I have no need to look any further. It's right here, right in front of me. This is great.
Following good people's advice can I now see a new hope for my life. I'm really looking forward to that...
So I had an interview today. It all went well, by my standard. I wasn't that nervous and I liked the company and the job too. We'll see what happens.
Beijing is actually surprisingly clean and modern. Everything is newly built. They also reuse all tickets they issue. What a great idea! Environment friendly, I like that.
And this clean place is MY own country. Just by thinking of that made me happy and proud. Now if I want a quality life, I have no need to look any further. It's right here, right in front of me. This is great.
Following good people's advice can I now see a new hope for my life. I'm really looking forward to that...
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Rules of Changes
A quote from "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying"
生者必死，
聚者必散，
积者必竭，
立者必倒，
高者必堕。
Translation of above:
Who ever is alive will definitely die,
Who ever gathers will definitely grow apart,
Who ever accumulates will definitely exhaust,
Who ever stands will definitely collapse,
Who ever stays high will definitely fall.
生者必死，
聚者必散，
积者必竭，
立者必倒，
高者必堕。
Translation of above:
Who ever is alive will definitely die,
Who ever gathers will definitely grow apart,
Who ever accumulates will definitely exhaust,
Who ever stands will definitely collapse,
Who ever stays high will definitely fall.
A Poor Puppy's Destiny
I heard a very sad story yesterday about a poor puppy that I've never met. My cousin's mother-in-law's household had him(don't know the sex of the dog though) as a loved one for a while. Unfortunately, he was only their most loved one until a human new born arrived. He was then been kept in their balcony all the time and wasn't allowed inside of their apartment. If he ever tried to get inside, everyone yelled at him to get out.
The puppy realized that he wasn't loved anymore. So he found a chance to run outside and never came back. He was maybe looking for a family who would fall in love with him and bring him back home. Their family members felt bad and looked for him, but only to find out that the puppy was hit by a car and died...
I think maybe there should be a law making people to acknowledge that having a pet is no less of a responsibility than having a baby before they purchase a pet. It seems to me that some people treat them as objects, welcoming them to their home only when they love them and kicking them out whenever the need for love is replaced by something else.
I did then think that maybe it was the puppy's karma. Maybe he did something bad in his past life. But I know in my heart that no dog is evil in this world. Only humans and circumstances will make them as "bad dogs." In my mind, they're all angels. I love all of them very very much. And I don't wanna hear a sad story like this anymore. It just makes me wanna cry...
The puppy realized that he wasn't loved anymore. So he found a chance to run outside and never came back. He was maybe looking for a family who would fall in love with him and bring him back home. Their family members felt bad and looked for him, but only to find out that the puppy was hit by a car and died...
I think maybe there should be a law making people to acknowledge that having a pet is no less of a responsibility than having a baby before they purchase a pet. It seems to me that some people treat them as objects, welcoming them to their home only when they love them and kicking them out whenever the need for love is replaced by something else.
I did then think that maybe it was the puppy's karma. Maybe he did something bad in his past life. But I know in my heart that no dog is evil in this world. Only humans and circumstances will make them as "bad dogs." In my mind, they're all angels. I love all of them very very much. And I don't wanna hear a sad story like this anymore. It just makes me wanna cry...
Beijing...
Most polluted air in the world?? At least the worst I've ever seen in my life. You see buildings 200 meters away in the frog. It's that bad. It's beyong your imagination. But what're you gonna do...
The government is well aware of the air pollution throughout the country. I've also been told that during the fast economic growing period of Japan, its air was heavily polluted as well. So I suppose this is just what every developing country has to go through.
Here I am in Beijing looking for a job... Is this what I want and what I came here for? Well, I don't even know what I want anymore. Most Chinese people live their life and work their jobs because they have no other choices. Fortunately and unfornately for me, I'm the one Chinese who can choose to live in China or other countries. Saying "fortunately" is because a lot of Chinese dream of what options are available for me; saying "unfornately" is because that's the reason I'm so confused. I don't know what to choose. I don't know what is the best for me.
BUT... I did choose to come here, my own country, the country I've always loved, the country I've missed. So whether it's good or bad, now I do kind of feel I'm stuck with it anyway. There's no turning back or turning away. I've just got to work with whatever is available in here.
Anyways, looking for a job is no fun. Working a job could be even worse. But that's what I'm gonna do in Beijing. No choice is left.
Well, that doesn't sound very positive, does it? Let me try this way.
* I will find a job in Beijing that I enjoy doing.
* I will be confident and do fine at the interview.
* I will use "slow talk" tenique during the interview so that I won't get too nervous.
* I will use my own languages to describe my qualifications and experiences to the interviewer as trying to use difficult words only make me feel more nervous and clumsier.
* I am making the right choice.
* Though there might be many difficulties, but in the end of each day I'll still feel that I like what I do.
* Good things won't happen overnight. I will keep up with what I do everyday (including searching for jobs and sending resumes, yoga, sit-ups, reading The Ants Handout, listening to "Overcoming SAD relaxiation tape," etc.).
* Life will be good as long as I won't give up with what I do.
Be postive, be enthusiastic, be nice and considerate to others, smile...
Go to bed early, get up early in the morning, keep doing what I have to do...
Positive, positive, and positive!
The government is well aware of the air pollution throughout the country. I've also been told that during the fast economic growing period of Japan, its air was heavily polluted as well. So I suppose this is just what every developing country has to go through.
Here I am in Beijing looking for a job... Is this what I want and what I came here for? Well, I don't even know what I want anymore. Most Chinese people live their life and work their jobs because they have no other choices. Fortunately and unfornately for me, I'm the one Chinese who can choose to live in China or other countries. Saying "fortunately" is because a lot of Chinese dream of what options are available for me; saying "unfornately" is because that's the reason I'm so confused. I don't know what to choose. I don't know what is the best for me.
BUT... I did choose to come here, my own country, the country I've always loved, the country I've missed. So whether it's good or bad, now I do kind of feel I'm stuck with it anyway. There's no turning back or turning away. I've just got to work with whatever is available in here.
Anyways, looking for a job is no fun. Working a job could be even worse. But that's what I'm gonna do in Beijing. No choice is left.
Well, that doesn't sound very positive, does it? Let me try this way.
* I will find a job in Beijing that I enjoy doing.
* I will be confident and do fine at the interview.
* I will use "slow talk" tenique during the interview so that I won't get too nervous.
* I will use my own languages to describe my qualifications and experiences to the interviewer as trying to use difficult words only make me feel more nervous and clumsier.
* I am making the right choice.
* Though there might be many difficulties, but in the end of each day I'll still feel that I like what I do.
* Good things won't happen overnight. I will keep up with what I do everyday (including searching for jobs and sending resumes, yoga, sit-ups, reading The Ants Handout, listening to "Overcoming SAD relaxiation tape," etc.).
* Life will be good as long as I won't give up with what I do.
Be postive, be enthusiastic, be nice and considerate to others, smile...
Go to bed early, get up early in the morning, keep doing what I have to do...
Positive, positive, and positive!
Monday, September 15, 2008
List of Good Things Happened Today
1. I visited my childhood best friend who is expecting a new born in three months.
2. I was more comfortable talking to her than the last time we hanged out. (Last time I saw her, it was our first time seeing each other after ten years being apart.)
3. I also met her husband. He had been in Japan for four years to attend a college in Tokyo area. I was a little nervous talking to him and didn't know what to say. But considering how uncomfortable I ususally get when talking to a stranger, I did okay. At least I didn't panic when I didn't know what to say to him especially when my friend left us by our two for a couple of minutes. It wasn't comfortable for me but at least I was able to stay calm. I wish I could carry on a good conversation with anyone I meet.
4. Her husband cooked for us then left to meet a friend. My friend and I had lunch together, then we talked all afternoon until it was dark. I felt closer and closer to her as time went by. Not completely, but I felt like we were kind of getting back the same feelings we had towards each other when we were kids. We were friends since in kindergarden. I could feel that she was getting more comfortable with me too.
5. I was concious about whether I was calm or nervous. I'm hoping to eventually be able to convert my nervousness to calmness.
6. I bought a gift for their baby. It's a whole set for making fingerprint and footprint for a new born. Not sure she was crazy about it or not(I could tell she wasn't), but I liked it.
2. I was more comfortable talking to her than the last time we hanged out. (Last time I saw her, it was our first time seeing each other after ten years being apart.)
3. I also met her husband. He had been in Japan for four years to attend a college in Tokyo area. I was a little nervous talking to him and didn't know what to say. But considering how uncomfortable I ususally get when talking to a stranger, I did okay. At least I didn't panic when I didn't know what to say to him especially when my friend left us by our two for a couple of minutes. It wasn't comfortable for me but at least I was able to stay calm. I wish I could carry on a good conversation with anyone I meet.
4. Her husband cooked for us then left to meet a friend. My friend and I had lunch together, then we talked all afternoon until it was dark. I felt closer and closer to her as time went by. Not completely, but I felt like we were kind of getting back the same feelings we had towards each other when we were kids. We were friends since in kindergarden. I could feel that she was getting more comfortable with me too.
5. I was concious about whether I was calm or nervous. I'm hoping to eventually be able to convert my nervousness to calmness.
6. I bought a gift for their baby. It's a whole set for making fingerprint and footprint for a new born. Not sure she was crazy about it or not(I could tell she wasn't), but I liked it.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile.
Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.
The Blind Boy
A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat.
A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.
Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.
That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"
The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."
What he had written was: "Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it."
Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?
Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind.
Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?
Moral of the Story:
Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.
Invite others towards good with wisdom. Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets.
When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.
Great men say, "Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction, of discarding evil and developing goodness! In the journey of life, if you want to travel without fear, you must have the ticket of a good conscience."
The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling!
And even more beautiful, is knowing that you are the reason behind it!
--- Author Unknown --- Submitted by Kartik Bodawala --- India
From http://www.motivateus.com/stories/the-blind-boy.htm
The Blind Boy
A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat.
A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.
Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.
That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"
The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."
What he had written was: "Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it."
Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?
Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind.
Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?
Moral of the Story:
Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.
Invite others towards good with wisdom. Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets.
When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.
Great men say, "Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction, of discarding evil and developing goodness! In the journey of life, if you want to travel without fear, you must have the ticket of a good conscience."
The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling!
And even more beautiful, is knowing that you are the reason behind it!
--- Author Unknown --- Submitted by Kartik Bodawala --- India
From http://www.motivateus.com/stories/the-blind-boy.htm
Relive Those Beautiful Moments
Life is full of twists and turns. We encounter many unexpected events in our life; some of them cheerful and some of them devastating.
Why not relive those beautiful moments and let their lovely fragrance fill our dull moments? It can prove to be an amazing therapy to rejuvenate the inert period of life.
Just soak yourself, once again, in those warm memories that still make your heart skip a beat. Sit back and rest your head and play on those sequences of events which give your life a glittering touch. Visualize those pretty scenes in front of your eyes and slowly enter there to live it once again. And don't mistake it for being nostalgic. Rather take it as a way out for busting your stress out.
When your mind is over-worked and you need a little time off from all the surroundings, just step in that retro journey. Maybe it was your college time when you and your friends used to chill life so carelessly or the time when that feeling of love first stepped in your life and how you romanced life with your beloved. Perhaps it was a success on the professional frontier or it could be your marriage, or the birth of your first baby, or a reunion with an old friend. And when you think of those moments, knowing you have been part of such a wonderful and pleasant occurrence, suddenly you will feel a flow of energy in your veins.
When something terrible happens in life, it teaches us some tough lesson, making us stronger and wiser. But when something blissful happens in our life, it tells how life is full of joys, how blessed we are to be given a chance to live it. Those moments become our strength in droning times.
So take lively and colorful leaves of your own life, when passing through autumn's period of mood.
--- Copyright © 2008 Nisha Grace
As I write very spontaneously and without any pre-planning, I find these writings very genuine and close to everybody's life. So I hope anybody reading this one will find him/herself relating to its message and know that in this life, which is bestowed on us to enjoy, to cherish, to love, to serve, to learn, to give and to make it worth having, they are not a lone pedestrian. We all are together on this path to celebrate life.
(from http://www.motivateus.com/)
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Haigui
"Haigui" in Chinese refers to individuals who came back to China after studying or living in foreign countries. It usually refers to people who at least graduated from college in developed countries such as the US or somewhere in Europe. I am one of these people. I was just talking to a childhood friend who is expecting a new born in three months. Her husband graduated from a Japanese college and therefore is also a "haigui." She told me that he couldn't find a job here for two years after he came back from Japan. He also got his current job with his mother's help.
My point is that it takes time for haiguis like me to take off in China. Sometimes a couple of months, maybe half of a year or even longer period for them to find their place in China. At the same time they struggle to find adjustment and acceptance, their family struggles with them. Just like my family, my mother has expressed how disappointed she was with me. She can't believe I'm still looking for a job. Well, her complainings don't really help at all. It only makes me feel worse and pushes me down to an even lower point.
A lot of times, I blame her for my failures and problems. But can I really blame her? My mother is of the generation who struggled to get their stomach full, went throught the cultural revolution, and received little education. So it only comes natural for her to take that getting materially richer as the purpose of life. I once asked her what made her a happy person. Probably hard to imagine for our generation, her answer was... being surrounded by tons of good food. I kind of felt sorry for her that how easy she could be satisfied, that she had no spiritual or mental pursue at all.
Getting materially richer was her motivation to emigrate our family to Japan. We did get materials, but the price of that was the loss of family structures and connections. The price I had to pay was the loss of my self. At the age of almost 30, I'm still not being able to get that back. I'm hoping that I could find myself again in my own country.
My point is that it takes time for haiguis like me to take off in China. Sometimes a couple of months, maybe half of a year or even longer period for them to find their place in China. At the same time they struggle to find adjustment and acceptance, their family struggles with them. Just like my family, my mother has expressed how disappointed she was with me. She can't believe I'm still looking for a job. Well, her complainings don't really help at all. It only makes me feel worse and pushes me down to an even lower point.
A lot of times, I blame her for my failures and problems. But can I really blame her? My mother is of the generation who struggled to get their stomach full, went throught the cultural revolution, and received little education. So it only comes natural for her to take that getting materially richer as the purpose of life. I once asked her what made her a happy person. Probably hard to imagine for our generation, her answer was... being surrounded by tons of good food. I kind of felt sorry for her that how easy she could be satisfied, that she had no spiritual or mental pursue at all.
Getting materially richer was her motivation to emigrate our family to Japan. We did get materials, but the price of that was the loss of family structures and connections. The price I had to pay was the loss of my self. At the age of almost 30, I'm still not being able to get that back. I'm hoping that I could find myself again in my own country.
Today's List of Good Things
1. I read the twelfth chapter of “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying"（西藏生死书）and learned the Giving and Receiving Method(施受法) which may help me with my social anxiety disorder. Thank you for introducing me to this book, Sangye Norbu.
2. I called one of my closest childhood friends and set up a time to visit her home. She is expecting a new born. I'm gonna buy her some gifts for a baby girl.
3. I visited a couple of blogs and found out that there are people who are going through similar struggles with social anxiety disorder(SAD) as I do. Some have mentioned how hopeless they feel. I commented on their blogs and encouraged them not to lose hope. As long as we keep doing our exercises of overcoming SAD and be positive about ourselves, we will eventually be able to come out of this dark tunnel. We can do that by rewiring our brain. The key is consistency.
4. As part of my exercises, I read "The ANTs Handout" out loud.
2. I called one of my closest childhood friends and set up a time to visit her home. She is expecting a new born. I'm gonna buy her some gifts for a baby girl.
3. I visited a couple of blogs and found out that there are people who are going through similar struggles with social anxiety disorder(SAD) as I do. Some have mentioned how hopeless they feel. I commented on their blogs and encouraged them not to lose hope. As long as we keep doing our exercises of overcoming SAD and be positive about ourselves, we will eventually be able to come out of this dark tunnel. We can do that by rewiring our brain. The key is consistency.
4. As part of my exercises, I read "The ANTs Handout" out loud.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Taking a Break from My Stories of Life in Japan
I have started writing about the eleven years I had spent in Japan, but I decided to take a break. I'm kind of scared of going to that dark part of my life and am afraid of remembering those miserable memories. I hope I will be able to write about it without feeling depressed someday, but obviously I'm not ready yet.
I think what I need to focus right now is how I can overcome my social anxiety disorder and how to live a life I want to live. One thing I found on a social anxiety disorder forum recommended to list up good things happened today. So here it goes.
1. I took deep breaths and tried to imagine the "happy ending" before I called up my landlord this morning. During our conversation, I tried to talk slowly, so I won't get nervous and I won't make her nervous. And it worked. I could talk to her with a calm voice.
2. I went to the spring water supplier's store to ask them to deliver water for me. I wasn't nervous, pretty comfortable. Their store is run by this old gentleman and his daughter. Very good people. When the daughter came by the first day I asked them to deliver water, she also seemed to like my cat and said she would take my kitty if I ever need to give her away. She was the kind of person that the second you talk to her, you can immediately tell that she's a good person. I like people who love animals. They're often kind-hearted.
3. I read "The ANTs Handout" today. (It's part of my overcoming social anxiety disorder exercises that I should practice everyday....which I don't...)
4. I read the New York Times articles out loud.
5. I read one article from Associated Press out loud.
6. I went to the bank, then the store to get yummy food. (I often stay inside all the time unless I really had to go somewhere.)
7. While I walked on the street, I kept imagining that Buddha was watching over me. Just by thinking that he was always with me and that I wasn't alone by myself, it made me feel better.
8. I did sit-ups 50 times with deep breathes before I met my landlord. It made my conversation with her a bit easier.
9. The frozen dumplings I bought today tasted pretty good.
I think what I need to focus right now is how I can overcome my social anxiety disorder and how to live a life I want to live. One thing I found on a social anxiety disorder forum recommended to list up good things happened today. So here it goes.
1. I took deep breaths and tried to imagine the "happy ending" before I called up my landlord this morning. During our conversation, I tried to talk slowly, so I won't get nervous and I won't make her nervous. And it worked. I could talk to her with a calm voice.
2. I went to the spring water supplier's store to ask them to deliver water for me. I wasn't nervous, pretty comfortable. Their store is run by this old gentleman and his daughter. Very good people. When the daughter came by the first day I asked them to deliver water, she also seemed to like my cat and said she would take my kitty if I ever need to give her away. She was the kind of person that the second you talk to her, you can immediately tell that she's a good person. I like people who love animals. They're often kind-hearted.
3. I read "The ANTs Handout" today. (It's part of my overcoming social anxiety disorder exercises that I should practice everyday....which I don't...)
4. I read the New York Times articles out loud.
5. I read one article from Associated Press out loud.
6. I went to the bank, then the store to get yummy food. (I often stay inside all the time unless I really had to go somewhere.)
7. While I walked on the street, I kept imagining that Buddha was watching over me. Just by thinking that he was always with me and that I wasn't alone by myself, it made me feel better.
8. I did sit-ups 50 times with deep breathes before I met my landlord. It made my conversation with her a bit easier.
9. The frozen dumplings I bought today tasted pretty good.
Letting Go and Moving Forward
If I cannot forgive myself for all the blunders
That I have made over the years,
Then how can I proceed?
How can I ever dream perfection-dreams?
Move, I must, forward.
Fly, I must, upward.
Dive, I must, inward,
To be once more
What I truly am
And shall forever remain.
--A poem found online
That I have made over the years,
Then how can I proceed?
How can I ever dream perfection-dreams?
Move, I must, forward.
Fly, I must, upward.
Dive, I must, inward,
To be once more
What I truly am
And shall forever remain.
--A poem found online
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Good & Bad Choices
This morning I went to the apartment sales office to consult with the sales person about how to pay for the property taxes for the apartment my family purchased a couple of months ago.
The office is about 30 minute walk from home. It was raining, but I still decided to walk there since I haven't gone outside for several days already. Following the street I live on and going straight, you will see a sign that tells you to turn left to reach the office. I have followed the sign before, but this time I thought maybe I could just go straight and turn left later, and there will be the office. It might actually be a short cut. Not knowing that this would take me as far as it can get from the sales office.
It was raining pretty hard, and there were few people and cars on the street. This area used to be a rural area outside of the city and some family was doing garbage collecting business there, and the whole street stunk badly. I tried to keep my eyes away from the garbage site. At the beginning, I thought I would soon see a road to be able to turn left, but I was so wrong. I had to walk straight in the rain for at least good 15 minutes before I saw the street lead me to the right direction. When I was finally on the road leading to the office, it was much more like a high way (it probably is) on which huge trucks and buses were running with high speed. There was no sidewalk. But there was no turning back, I had to walk in the rain, on top of the curb, and sometimes in the mud just to avoid water splash I get when a truck passed by. But when I was very close to the destination, a big truck finally splashed dirt water all over my body and my face. That was as bad as the day could get.
Along the way going to the sales office, I kept thinking that this way was just like how my life turned out. Good people have given me valuable advice, but I never listened. I always thought I was right, and I always chose to proceed with directions that either led me to nowhere or were full of hardships. How could I be so stubborn and closed-minded? How could I be so idiotic? I realized it was time that I took wise advice and do something right for myself. The exploring time should be over now. Time to get something solid for my life.
I also remembered once I read somewhere saying that personality determines fate. I couldn't agree more. It's our personality that leads us to the choices we make in our life. I somehow unconciously think that I'm smarter than other people. That's why I wouldn't listen to others and choose to walk a different way. That's why I didn't follow the big fat sign telling me the direction to the sales office. Life is cynical...
The good comes with the bad, and vice versa. The sales office was distributing a box of grapes to all of their buyers today. So I got one box as well. Despite how it turned out today, the grapes tasted really nice. (^ - ^)
The office is about 30 minute walk from home. It was raining, but I still decided to walk there since I haven't gone outside for several days already. Following the street I live on and going straight, you will see a sign that tells you to turn left to reach the office. I have followed the sign before, but this time I thought maybe I could just go straight and turn left later, and there will be the office. It might actually be a short cut. Not knowing that this would take me as far as it can get from the sales office.
It was raining pretty hard, and there were few people and cars on the street. This area used to be a rural area outside of the city and some family was doing garbage collecting business there, and the whole street stunk badly. I tried to keep my eyes away from the garbage site. At the beginning, I thought I would soon see a road to be able to turn left, but I was so wrong. I had to walk straight in the rain for at least good 15 minutes before I saw the street lead me to the right direction. When I was finally on the road leading to the office, it was much more like a high way (it probably is) on which huge trucks and buses were running with high speed. There was no sidewalk. But there was no turning back, I had to walk in the rain, on top of the curb, and sometimes in the mud just to avoid water splash I get when a truck passed by. But when I was very close to the destination, a big truck finally splashed dirt water all over my body and my face. That was as bad as the day could get.
Along the way going to the sales office, I kept thinking that this way was just like how my life turned out. Good people have given me valuable advice, but I never listened. I always thought I was right, and I always chose to proceed with directions that either led me to nowhere or were full of hardships. How could I be so stubborn and closed-minded? How could I be so idiotic? I realized it was time that I took wise advice and do something right for myself. The exploring time should be over now. Time to get something solid for my life.
I also remembered once I read somewhere saying that personality determines fate. I couldn't agree more. It's our personality that leads us to the choices we make in our life. I somehow unconciously think that I'm smarter than other people. That's why I wouldn't listen to others and choose to walk a different way. That's why I didn't follow the big fat sign telling me the direction to the sales office. Life is cynical...
The good comes with the bad, and vice versa. The sales office was distributing a box of grapes to all of their buyers today. So I got one box as well. Despite how it turned out today, the grapes tasted really nice. (^ - ^)
Monday, September 8, 2008
My First Blog - About My Life
Hello, everyone. First time to write a blog. Let me start with introducing myself to all of you.
I was born in Shenyang, the major city in northern China, which used to be the center of Manchuria when the Japanese occupied the region during the WWII. I was a regular Chinese kid except one thing about me was a little bit different from everyone else. That one thing was that my grandma of my father's side is Japanese. All I could remember is that my mother would comment on my grandma being Japanese once in a while, other than that my life was nothing different from those of my classmates and kids in my neighborhood.
About my Japanese grandma's life, there is quite a bit to talk about it. Sometimes I think I should write a book about her and her family's life. It was real life but it was like a super human drama. Quite unimaginable for me and people of my generation. My grandma was born in a poor but average Japanese family. (It's a shame that I don't know much about the details in terms of where they lived, what her parents did for living and all as I have not contacted my grandma for several years now. So I'll have to go on with what I know.) When the Japanese started their invasion to north China in the 1930's, they wanted their people to go to China, live and develop the new land. So basically they advertised to their own people how great life it was or could be in China, food and land available everywhere in order to encourage them to go to China. This sounded very attractive to the poor people since at the time, Japan had scarce source of food and materials as well. So my grandma's father decided to go to the new land in the hope of having a better life there. Little did he know that this decision would later bring a series of tragedies to his family.
Once they arrived in China, it didn't take so long until they found out how much the Japanese government had lied about the new land. There was nothing except the cold weather which doesn't make this land grow that much of food. They ended up living in a place much more like a refugee camp where they gathered all Japanese civilians, where diseases and deaths took place in front of their eyes due to lack of food and poor living conditions. Even at a camp like that, they couldn't stay for very much long as they also had to escape from fighting took place between Japanese and Chinese. My grandma had four siblings. She was the oldest one. All four of them (between age of five to ten years old) died along the way while they were wandering and escaping from bullets and wars. By the time my grandma reached the village where my grandpa lived, she was moving forward by crawling as she had no energy left for walking. She was 13 years old at the time. My great grandma and she were the only ones still alive but nearly dead. (My great grandpa was with the Japanese army and was apart from them.)
The Chinese villagers took them in and saved their lives. Later at the age of 16, my grandma married grandpa who lived in the same village. A year later, at the age of 17, she gave birth to my father.
As much as I could remember, I never thought of my grandma being any different than other old Chinese ladies. She spoke perfect Chinese as she had been speaking Chinese for four decades already by the time I was around. I never liked my grandma that much since my mother had a poor opinion about her. I was mama's girl. Whoever my mother liked, I liked. The same goes with whoever she didn't like too. I never liked my father either. Almost amazingly, until this day, I still have not much emotional feelings towards him. In my mother's and many others' eye, he was an incapable man who has little social skills. Also my mother told me that when he was younger, he had minor psychological problems which seems to run in the family too. He would behave in strange ways with little common sense. One particular thing that I remember about him being weird was that he would lock the door, but in worries it might not have been locked properly, he would go back to check the door for four five times.
My childhood memories are mostly cheering ones. I did good in school. Teachers liked me. I liked singing, performing, and giving speeches. Every event took place in school, I was always part of it. I enjoyed being in the center of attention and in the spot light. My mother was proud of me all the time. I was proud of myself too. I was secure and confident. I loved school and enjoyed everyday of it.
As I already mentioned, I never liked my father. He was different from other kids' fathers. They were normal, but he was not. Other kids had father's love, but I didn't. There was no love between my parents either. My mother didn't marry him for love. She married him for practical reasons. She made a lot of mistakes in her life as I am making my own mitakes as well. Again, maybe you can say that it runs in the family.
My father was insecure about his relationship with my mother since she was very attractive and popular among men. They would fight for little things that my mother did such as talking to another guy. One time when I was around age 5, they fought so hard and my father raised hand on her. She ran away back to her own family which was in Heilongjiang Province, even northern of China, close to Russia.
My mother didn't come back for a whole month. I was never away from her for such a long time. While she was gone, I was being taken care of by my grandma. I remember they would ask me from time to time if I missed my mother, and I would say no. I probably did that because I thought I had to talk like that since they were saying bad words about my mother all the time.
Then one month later, my mother came back. I still remember that very moment when she held me in her arms. I then realized how much I had missed her, how much I couldn't live without her, and how much I lied about not missing her.
Since that day my mother came back, I became insecure about her. If I didn't see her at home after I came back from school, I would look out the window crying and worrying about her. I would also be a pain in the neck to her if she tries to go to anywhere. I would cry and beg her not to leave. I even had a picture that was taken in my kindergarden after I cried because I didn't want to go to the kindergarden and being away from my mother. I think the kindergarden was taking pictures for the kids for some reason I don't remember. They saw me crying and not wanting to let my mother leave, so the guy took a picture of my mother with me together just to cheer me up. But you can clearly see that I was crying before the picture was taken. I often thought that I would die if my mother died.
Later, all my father side's entire family including us would emmigrate to Japan. And that will be the turning point of my life....
I was born in Shenyang, the major city in northern China, which used to be the center of Manchuria when the Japanese occupied the region during the WWII. I was a regular Chinese kid except one thing about me was a little bit different from everyone else. That one thing was that my grandma of my father's side is Japanese. All I could remember is that my mother would comment on my grandma being Japanese once in a while, other than that my life was nothing different from those of my classmates and kids in my neighborhood.
About my Japanese grandma's life, there is quite a bit to talk about it. Sometimes I think I should write a book about her and her family's life. It was real life but it was like a super human drama. Quite unimaginable for me and people of my generation. My grandma was born in a poor but average Japanese family. (It's a shame that I don't know much about the details in terms of where they lived, what her parents did for living and all as I have not contacted my grandma for several years now. So I'll have to go on with what I know.) When the Japanese started their invasion to north China in the 1930's, they wanted their people to go to China, live and develop the new land. So basically they advertised to their own people how great life it was or could be in China, food and land available everywhere in order to encourage them to go to China. This sounded very attractive to the poor people since at the time, Japan had scarce source of food and materials as well. So my grandma's father decided to go to the new land in the hope of having a better life there. Little did he know that this decision would later bring a series of tragedies to his family.
Once they arrived in China, it didn't take so long until they found out how much the Japanese government had lied about the new land. There was nothing except the cold weather which doesn't make this land grow that much of food. They ended up living in a place much more like a refugee camp where they gathered all Japanese civilians, where diseases and deaths took place in front of their eyes due to lack of food and poor living conditions. Even at a camp like that, they couldn't stay for very much long as they also had to escape from fighting took place between Japanese and Chinese. My grandma had four siblings. She was the oldest one. All four of them (between age of five to ten years old) died along the way while they were wandering and escaping from bullets and wars. By the time my grandma reached the village where my grandpa lived, she was moving forward by crawling as she had no energy left for walking. She was 13 years old at the time. My great grandma and she were the only ones still alive but nearly dead. (My great grandpa was with the Japanese army and was apart from them.)
The Chinese villagers took them in and saved their lives. Later at the age of 16, my grandma married grandpa who lived in the same village. A year later, at the age of 17, she gave birth to my father.
As much as I could remember, I never thought of my grandma being any different than other old Chinese ladies. She spoke perfect Chinese as she had been speaking Chinese for four decades already by the time I was around. I never liked my grandma that much since my mother had a poor opinion about her. I was mama's girl. Whoever my mother liked, I liked. The same goes with whoever she didn't like too. I never liked my father either. Almost amazingly, until this day, I still have not much emotional feelings towards him. In my mother's and many others' eye, he was an incapable man who has little social skills. Also my mother told me that when he was younger, he had minor psychological problems which seems to run in the family too. He would behave in strange ways with little common sense. One particular thing that I remember about him being weird was that he would lock the door, but in worries it might not have been locked properly, he would go back to check the door for four five times.
My childhood memories are mostly cheering ones. I did good in school. Teachers liked me. I liked singing, performing, and giving speeches. Every event took place in school, I was always part of it. I enjoyed being in the center of attention and in the spot light. My mother was proud of me all the time. I was proud of myself too. I was secure and confident. I loved school and enjoyed everyday of it.
As I already mentioned, I never liked my father. He was different from other kids' fathers. They were normal, but he was not. Other kids had father's love, but I didn't. There was no love between my parents either. My mother didn't marry him for love. She married him for practical reasons. She made a lot of mistakes in her life as I am making my own mitakes as well. Again, maybe you can say that it runs in the family.
My father was insecure about his relationship with my mother since she was very attractive and popular among men. They would fight for little things that my mother did such as talking to another guy. One time when I was around age 5, they fought so hard and my father raised hand on her. She ran away back to her own family which was in Heilongjiang Province, even northern of China, close to Russia.
My mother didn't come back for a whole month. I was never away from her for such a long time. While she was gone, I was being taken care of by my grandma. I remember they would ask me from time to time if I missed my mother, and I would say no. I probably did that because I thought I had to talk like that since they were saying bad words about my mother all the time.
Then one month later, my mother came back. I still remember that very moment when she held me in her arms. I then realized how much I had missed her, how much I couldn't live without her, and how much I lied about not missing her.
Since that day my mother came back, I became insecure about her. If I didn't see her at home after I came back from school, I would look out the window crying and worrying about her. I would also be a pain in the neck to her if she tries to go to anywhere. I would cry and beg her not to leave. I even had a picture that was taken in my kindergarden after I cried because I didn't want to go to the kindergarden and being away from my mother. I think the kindergarden was taking pictures for the kids for some reason I don't remember. They saw me crying and not wanting to let my mother leave, so the guy took a picture of my mother with me together just to cheer me up. But you can clearly see that I was crying before the picture was taken. I often thought that I would die if my mother died.
Later, all my father side's entire family including us would emmigrate to Japan. And that will be the turning point of my life....
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