I think I might be in love. Just like all my relationships I had in the past, if it does develop somehow, it'll be a relationship that goes to nowhere...
I'm confused again. Why do I have to like someone who's gonna eventually leave? Why do I always like to dig myself a hole that I can't get out?
He is a coworker who's from a foreign country(somewhere outside of China). We all know he'll eventually leave. I never thought of him that way until I chatted with this guy a coworker introduced me who asked me how much I weighed. Out of no reason, I thought of him. I thought of how much we enjoy talking to each other, how much we have in common, how much I admire his intelligence and maturity. It was all unconcious...now it has come up to the surface...and now I'm in "trouble." I won't have the peace of mind that I've had all these days. My brain doesn't let me control what I think. I just end up thinking about him...
I'm going to visit a temple with a girl(coworker) today. I thought to myself that I felt sorry that he couldn't go with us. All these signs of me liking him have come clear to me on the very last day of 2008.
I kind of know that if I really do wanna develop this relationship, he probably won't say no. Because I can tell it's mutual. If I enjoy talking to one person, that person usually feels the same way, isn't it the way it is?
I couldn't focus on work at all yesterday, just chatting with him all day. I was the one who started every conversation. I was one step close to tell him how I felt. Guess I made it pretty obvious??
He left for vacation. I wanted to call him before his plane took off, but I hung up a few seconds after calling. I'm hesitating and didn't know if this was right. I knew I need to calm down and think this through. But I guess I didn't hang up quick enough before my number showed up on his cell phone. He called me back twice later and I missed both. He left a text message saying in Chinese that he was getting on the plane soon and will see me in 2009. It made me happy to see his words that I didn't expect.
I know what I need is not a temporary relationship. I need a true one that we can build into something serious. If this is the condition, then I'd better forget about him right now!
What should I do? Be smart? Or just be stupid like the way I've always been? I guess the answer is pretty obvious... unfortunately and sadly it's just against my mind.
Besides, he is a coworker. Someone I work closely with... Wow, isn't it pretty bad?
Wishing everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Favorite Poem
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where
I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride
I love you because I know no other way than this
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand
So close that when you close your eyes I fall asleep
-- A quotation from one of my favorite movies - Dead Poets Society
I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride
I love you because I know no other way than this
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand
So close that when you close your eyes I fall asleep
-- A quotation from one of my favorite movies - Dead Poets Society
Monday, December 29, 2008
What a Disappointment
A coworker introduced me one of her friends to me today after knowing I was hoping to meet someone. They used to work together. We exchanged messenger IDs and started chatting tonight.
I've never ever talked to anyone who's as rude and stupid as him! Unbelievable! After we started chatting for 5 or 10 minutes. This question popped up, "what do you think about marriage?" Well, I thought it was a "little" early to talk about stuff like that, but I answered the question. But that wasn't the end of his questionings. "How tall are you?" Well, if you thought that was okay to ask, then hear this. "How much do you weigh?" What the hell is wrong with him???? Well, if I were a real thin girl, I may not have minded. That's the thing bothering me the most. And he SMARTLY chose the "right" question to ask. I thought nowadays in China it's been considered rude to ask a woman's weight too. Guess I was wrong?? Shouldn't he have some kind of sense for sensitive questions like this, and asking a girl whom he's never even met????? Go to hell!
Well, he still didn't finish yet. "Are you a career-oriented type of woman?" I finally ran out of my patience and said, "your questions are too.... serious..., feels like an interview." Then I excused myself by saying I had to take a shower and go to sleep soon. I guess he got it and said okay and nothing else. THANK GOD! I'm not interested in talking to him again...
Well, this isn't gonna be easy, but like all the good stuff in life, it won't come easy. I guess I'm gonna need a lot more patience.
I've never ever talked to anyone who's as rude and stupid as him! Unbelievable! After we started chatting for 5 or 10 minutes. This question popped up, "what do you think about marriage?" Well, I thought it was a "little" early to talk about stuff like that, but I answered the question. But that wasn't the end of his questionings. "How tall are you?" Well, if you thought that was okay to ask, then hear this. "How much do you weigh?" What the hell is wrong with him???? Well, if I were a real thin girl, I may not have minded. That's the thing bothering me the most. And he SMARTLY chose the "right" question to ask. I thought nowadays in China it's been considered rude to ask a woman's weight too. Guess I was wrong?? Shouldn't he have some kind of sense for sensitive questions like this, and asking a girl whom he's never even met????? Go to hell!
Well, he still didn't finish yet. "Are you a career-oriented type of woman?" I finally ran out of my patience and said, "your questions are too.... serious..., feels like an interview." Then I excused myself by saying I had to take a shower and go to sleep soon. I guess he got it and said okay and nothing else. THANK GOD! I'm not interested in talking to him again...
Well, this isn't gonna be easy, but like all the good stuff in life, it won't come easy. I guess I'm gonna need a lot more patience.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Where to Find the True Happiness
What a great day! The ski tour was fabulous! I enjoyed every minute of it.
It was my first time to ski. It turned out to be a nightmare in the first round. Almost as soon as I started sliding, I fell down right away. I fell at least 5 times in the first round and also crushed into someone else. Fortunately, no one got hurt. Then with a coworker's instruction(she overheard(purposely, so smart) from a paid instructor who was teaching someone else), I learned how to stop sliding(by spreading the back of your legs). I told the girl who was skiing with me how to do it, then we were both on the right track. We learned how to control sliding. Kept repeating sliding and stopping without rushing to ski faster. Since our progress was very obvious each time we try, it just got more and more fun to do it. To go up the hill, we could have the lift to take us. But we chose to walk up because of the long line and to save time. You don't get tired to ski. You get tired by walking up the hill!
Just as I started to be able to control the speed and not to fall down, a guy behind me crushed into me so hard that his whole leg ended up on top of my waist. Well, don't worry. We were both okay, but it was scary. Thought he did it on purpose...but realized later that he was really new too. hehe...
Practice makes it perfect. Although we were far away from being perfect, at the end of the day we could ski in the beginners' course without falling down for once. After we learned how to control sliding, we also figured out how to control directions. The more we did it, the more control we were able to have. In the beginning, when I was about to crush into someone, I would panic and then really did crush. But at the end, in that case, I could calmly just stop sliding. The difference was obvious. I was so glad that I could make a difference more quickly than I expected.
I can't tell you how great it felt. We were both sorry that we had to leave. On the way back, we were already talking about when we should all go again. I can't wait to go back!
What we found interesting about skiing was that you don't actually learn how to "ski." Anyone can slide and go forward when they get on the skis. The first thing you learn is how to stop; the second is to learn how to conrol directions.
Also, fear is the biggest barrier. Whenever I was afraid, I either fell or crushed into someone. Fear is the enermy of all sports or marshal arts, isn't it? Learning skiing or any other kind of sports seems like a mental challenge to overcome your fear. I enjoyed that challenge. Maybe we could say the same thing to a lot of things we do in life. Overcoming fear and nervousness is a life time challenge. At least for me it is true.
I'm the kind of stubborn person who likes to figure things out by myself. Some of my coworkers learned by watching others or by listening. Certain things you'll take ten more times to master than learning from an expert. Good for me that I spent all my time with another coworker(although she was also a beginner) and we shared our learnings and information.
I almost forgot my headline was "where to find the true happiness."
I had spent all my life looking for happiness from outside. When I decided to go to college in US, I was hoping to become happy there. I also tried satisfy myself with material things, as much as I thought I wanted and needed. Like what's being said in the movie Fight Club, "you work a job you hate and buy the junk you don't need." That was exactly what I did. My happiness was no where to find. I failed miserably. I still was the old me(if not worse) who was misery, hate to be around other people; who had no confidence and little self-esteem. After spending so much time looking to be happy from the outside world, I've finally come to the realization that...
I am happier than ever now and feeling like I'm getting back the old me(as a child) who was confident and happy. Buddhism is helping a lot, really. I absolutely love it. Now I've got a coworker who's interested in Buddhism, hope we'll go visit some temples and museums in Beijing. It'll be so much fun!
It was my first time to ski. It turned out to be a nightmare in the first round. Almost as soon as I started sliding, I fell down right away. I fell at least 5 times in the first round and also crushed into someone else. Fortunately, no one got hurt. Then with a coworker's instruction(she overheard(purposely, so smart) from a paid instructor who was teaching someone else), I learned how to stop sliding(by spreading the back of your legs). I told the girl who was skiing with me how to do it, then we were both on the right track. We learned how to control sliding. Kept repeating sliding and stopping without rushing to ski faster. Since our progress was very obvious each time we try, it just got more and more fun to do it. To go up the hill, we could have the lift to take us. But we chose to walk up because of the long line and to save time. You don't get tired to ski. You get tired by walking up the hill!
Just as I started to be able to control the speed and not to fall down, a guy behind me crushed into me so hard that his whole leg ended up on top of my waist. Well, don't worry. We were both okay, but it was scary. Thought he did it on purpose...but realized later that he was really new too. hehe...
Practice makes it perfect. Although we were far away from being perfect, at the end of the day we could ski in the beginners' course without falling down for once. After we learned how to control sliding, we also figured out how to control directions. The more we did it, the more control we were able to have. In the beginning, when I was about to crush into someone, I would panic and then really did crush. But at the end, in that case, I could calmly just stop sliding. The difference was obvious. I was so glad that I could make a difference more quickly than I expected.
I can't tell you how great it felt. We were both sorry that we had to leave. On the way back, we were already talking about when we should all go again. I can't wait to go back!
What we found interesting about skiing was that you don't actually learn how to "ski." Anyone can slide and go forward when they get on the skis. The first thing you learn is how to stop; the second is to learn how to conrol directions.
Also, fear is the biggest barrier. Whenever I was afraid, I either fell or crushed into someone. Fear is the enermy of all sports or marshal arts, isn't it? Learning skiing or any other kind of sports seems like a mental challenge to overcome your fear. I enjoyed that challenge. Maybe we could say the same thing to a lot of things we do in life. Overcoming fear and nervousness is a life time challenge. At least for me it is true.
I'm the kind of stubborn person who likes to figure things out by myself. Some of my coworkers learned by watching others or by listening. Certain things you'll take ten more times to master than learning from an expert. Good for me that I spent all my time with another coworker(although she was also a beginner) and we shared our learnings and information.
I almost forgot my headline was "where to find the true happiness."
I had spent all my life looking for happiness from outside. When I decided to go to college in US, I was hoping to become happy there. I also tried satisfy myself with material things, as much as I thought I wanted and needed. Like what's being said in the movie Fight Club, "you work a job you hate and buy the junk you don't need." That was exactly what I did. My happiness was no where to find. I failed miserably. I still was the old me(if not worse) who was misery, hate to be around other people; who had no confidence and little self-esteem. After spending so much time looking to be happy from the outside world, I've finally come to the realization that...
To find happiness, you need to look no further. All you need to look is what's inside of yourself.
I am happier than ever now and feeling like I'm getting back the old me(as a child) who was confident and happy. Buddhism is helping a lot, really. I absolutely love it. Now I've got a coworker who's interested in Buddhism, hope we'll go visit some temples and museums in Beijing. It'll be so much fun!
A little bit early, but Happy New Year to everyone! Hope all of you are able to have the inner peace and true happiness...
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Capital Museum, Beijing China
Last Sunday, I visited the Capital Museum with three coworkers. An amazing experience that was beyond my expectation. I somehow invited the right people without knowing beforehand that one of them was also interested in Buddhism like me. Not just Buddhism, like me, she enjoys all aspects of cultural things. People like that are just so cool.
Not only fascinating Buddhist statues from various ancient periods and breath-takingly beautifully carved jades blew me away, the discussions took place between me and my coworkers made the experience 10 times better than if I went alone. Since many items did not have detailed descriptions(you have to get a audio guide or something), everytime we saw something interesting, we discussed what we thought their purpose of use was. I really enjoyed their company. So glad they came along. Can't wait to go with them again.
Anyways, take a look of these jades if you like.
http://www.capitalmuseum.org.cn//js/yq.htm
Our company organized a ski tour on this Saturday. I'll let you know how that went too. It'll be my first time to ski.
Merry Christmas to everyone!
Not only fascinating Buddhist statues from various ancient periods and breath-takingly beautifully carved jades blew me away, the discussions took place between me and my coworkers made the experience 10 times better than if I went alone. Since many items did not have detailed descriptions(you have to get a audio guide or something), everytime we saw something interesting, we discussed what we thought their purpose of use was. I really enjoyed their company. So glad they came along. Can't wait to go with them again.
Anyways, take a look of these jades if you like.
http://www.capitalmuseum.org.cn//js/yq.htm
Our company organized a ski tour on this Saturday. I'll let you know how that went too. It'll be my first time to ski.
Merry Christmas to everyone!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
What I Want
I want a boyfriend, a husband, a life-long partner, a family, a beloved kid, a home, pets, and everything that comes with the word "marriage." I've never wanted this whole set as much I do now.
I admire happily married couples. I admire their life and their happiness. Marriage makes us feel whole and completed. I believe so.
I'm telling myself everyday that soon my wish will be fulfilled. I know it will but it may take time. Sometimes I can't wait to see this happen. But all goodness of life doesn't come easy. Patience, patience, and more patience. That used be something I was never good at. Now, I'm still not so patient. But I'm trying to be calmer and more enduring.
A happy marriage is what I want in life more than anything. I don't care about work or anything else. A happy marriage is the base of all other things in life. I think so. Especially for women.
May my wish and hope be fulfilled...
and so are yours...
I admire happily married couples. I admire their life and their happiness. Marriage makes us feel whole and completed. I believe so.
I'm telling myself everyday that soon my wish will be fulfilled. I know it will but it may take time. Sometimes I can't wait to see this happen. But all goodness of life doesn't come easy. Patience, patience, and more patience. That used be something I was never good at. Now, I'm still not so patient. But I'm trying to be calmer and more enduring.
A happy marriage is what I want in life more than anything. I don't care about work or anything else. A happy marriage is the base of all other things in life. I think so. Especially for women.
May my wish and hope be fulfilled...
and so are yours...
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Positive Thoughts
According to this book I'm reading(Happy for No Reason), saying positive things to yourself can make you much happier. It forces your brain to focus on positive thoughts. So here it goes.
1. Today is a beautiful day with a lot of sunshine and a cleared sky.
2. Tomorrow boss is going to have a talk with me regarding some prolems at work. I can explain myself very well and I will be okay. It won't be a big deal anyway. The worst thing could happen is for me to quit the job. But there will be better opportunities out there waiting for me. I've got ABSOLUTELY nothing to worry about.
3. The world is always on my side. Everyone loves me.
4. I love the world as well. I love everyone. Everyone is friendly and kind to me. So am I to them.
6. My wish(secret) will be fulfilled very soon.
7. I made time for singing this morning. I will keep it up. I'm thinking of looking for a teacher to learn how to sing. I love to sing.
That's it for now. Good luck to everyone who's reading this.
May your life filled with happiness.
1. Today is a beautiful day with a lot of sunshine and a cleared sky.
2. Tomorrow boss is going to have a talk with me regarding some prolems at work. I can explain myself very well and I will be okay. It won't be a big deal anyway. The worst thing could happen is for me to quit the job. But there will be better opportunities out there waiting for me. I've got ABSOLUTELY nothing to worry about.
3. The world is always on my side. Everyone loves me.
4. I love the world as well. I love everyone. Everyone is friendly and kind to me. So am I to them.
6. My wish(secret) will be fulfilled very soon.
7. I made time for singing this morning. I will keep it up. I'm thinking of looking for a teacher to learn how to sing. I love to sing.
That's it for now. Good luck to everyone who's reading this.
May your life filled with happiness.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Honest Scrap
10 honest things about myself:1. I wish I didn't have to grow up in Japan. It was a nightmare.
2. I do not like Japan. (Trying to let this go though. On the other hand, Japanese food is my favorite. I also appreicate a lot of things about Japan. Nothing is completely bad or completely good.)
3. Ever since our family emmigrated to Japan, all my life I'd tried to fit in. And I had never been successful. I was always an outsider.
4. I have some past I wish I could erase. I'm afraid they might affect my future somehow.
5. I wasted most of my teenage time by watching useless Japanese TV programs all day and all night long.
6. I used to be a hateful person. I used to be super paranoid(still a little now) thinking everyone hates me and taking things people said and did way too seriously.
7. I could only focus on others' bad personalities intead of their good.(I'm better now.)
8. I am a Buddhist. Buddhism seesm to be the only way that I can get over my miseries and lead me to a happy life.
9. I appreciate my cousin and her husband who are letting me stay with them, who don't say much about me but always paying attention to me, who will be there whenever I need them. I love their kid.
10. I love my life now. I have so much to look forward in the future. Thanks to Buddhism, to everyone who has supported me in every way. Thanks to my country where I can finally feel like being at home. I love here. I love being a Chinese. Thanks god that I'm finally going to the right direction. I believe it's never too late.
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