Nothing much going on today. Usually I come here to release my frustrations and all that negativities, but I had a good day today. Went out with my cousin's family (her husband and kid) to a newly built forest park nearby. While we enjoyed some fresher air and had some fun, I also got a phone call for another interview tomorrow. Then my cousin and I went shopping together. Huge shopping malls filled with shoppers. God we have too many head counts in China! Too many people everywhere in Beijing, always crowded. But it was fun. Felt like my cousin and I were getting closer to each other.
A lot of fun going on in Beijing! I'm really looking forward to enjoying all of it! Can't wait to share with you guys!!
And I'll start working very soon. Very excited, can't wait! It's almost been a year since I quit my last job... So I'm ready to work hard. I'm sure it won't be easy, and I'll get frustrated and pressured just like all the jobs I'd done. But I'll try my best to work things out. We'll see what happens.
To everyone who's reading this right now, I wish happiness in your life too. Don't let one bad day ruin your mood. Never forget that another beautiful day will for sure to come. Open your heart and your arms, welcome all the goodness of life coming upon you...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Attention Drawer
I'm so afraid of being in the center of attention. But I only hate it in daily life situations. On the other hand, I love to give presentations, speeches, or even sing in front of a lot of people. I know it's weird, but it's just the way I am.
A beatiful and nicely dressed girl draws attention from men on the street. That's just the way it goes. But it's that attention on the street freaks me out. I'm not knock out or anything. I'm probably 6-7 out 10 points if being rated. I know how to dress though, and I enjoy being fashionable. But I'm very uncomfortable with any attention I draw from public situations. Yeah, I guess I could dress down and not put much make-up on. In fact, I don't even put make-up on since I arrived in China. As for my clothes, I usually don't buy crappy cheap clothes. Maybe I should give up all nice clothes and go buy some cheap ugly ones...?
Chinese men can be rude when it comes to checking out girls. I'm not talking about educated ones. I'm talking about those I see in a market and on the street. Some are selling vegetables, some are construction workers. I'm talking about them. They literally stair at you!! Sometimes I wanna punch them in their face! Of course, in reality, I never say a thing to anyone.
I once told a friend that I wish I were uglier. I meant it. That way, I won't get anyone's attention. I'll only get one guy's attention who falls in love with my personality not the way I look. That's what I want.
Maybe I really should go buy some Chinese standard plain clothes...
A beatiful and nicely dressed girl draws attention from men on the street. That's just the way it goes. But it's that attention on the street freaks me out. I'm not knock out or anything. I'm probably 6-7 out 10 points if being rated. I know how to dress though, and I enjoy being fashionable. But I'm very uncomfortable with any attention I draw from public situations. Yeah, I guess I could dress down and not put much make-up on. In fact, I don't even put make-up on since I arrived in China. As for my clothes, I usually don't buy crappy cheap clothes. Maybe I should give up all nice clothes and go buy some cheap ugly ones...?
Chinese men can be rude when it comes to checking out girls. I'm not talking about educated ones. I'm talking about those I see in a market and on the street. Some are selling vegetables, some are construction workers. I'm talking about them. They literally stair at you!! Sometimes I wanna punch them in their face! Of course, in reality, I never say a thing to anyone.
I once told a friend that I wish I were uglier. I meant it. That way, I won't get anyone's attention. I'll only get one guy's attention who falls in love with my personality not the way I look. That's what I want.
Maybe I really should go buy some Chinese standard plain clothes...
Elevator
In an elevator, being stuck with a total stranger makes me very very uncomfortable. I wish I lived on the 3rd or 4th floor so that I could just walk up the stairs.
I know I'm just thinking too much of it and am afraid of nothing. But I can't help thinking about it. Should I make an eye contact with the stranger in the elevator? Should I smile to him? But what if he takes it in a wrong way... Is the person looking at me? Should I talk to him?
I mean in the US, it's pretty simple. You just say hi. But in this country, instead of "hi," the greeting can be "oh, you just came back home," or "Did you eat?" But usually you say that to the neighbors you already know.
When anyone in the elevator who's with a kid or a dog, then it's easier for me to comment on the kid or the dog. Well, if it's a dog, then I wouldn't even be able to resist myself to ask about that "angle." I love animals.
But I can't think of anything to say when it's a young guy or a girl. I mean I'm totally fine when there are a group of people in the elevator, and I'm just one of them. I only get uncomfortable when there are only one person left besides me. It just feels so uncomfortable, and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do! Well, if the other person completely ignores me, then I'm fine with that. Sometimes, he or she may look at you and maybe try to say something. Then I'm freaked out! I don't know what the hell I can say to them. Especially when it's a young guy, it's the hardest for me.
I'm sure that people with no mental illness would never think much about this kind of daily life public situations. But for me, these things take up a lot of my thoughts every single day. I know I'm being ridiculous, and there's absolutely no need for me to think about any of these. But too bad, I have no control of my mind. It's all automatic.
Even walking on the street, I have to think about useless little things like "should I look forward; should I look down to avoid eye contact with that person walking towards me; is the person walking towards me looking at me; should I make eye contact with him; why is he looking at me; why is everybody looking at me...?" I know I'm driving myself nuts. But I can't help doing it. I'm uncomfortable all the time.
I suppose all these thoughts are my negative thoughts. I need to find a way to stop getting these negative thoughts in my head and replace them with positive ones. Well, it might sound easy, but I have no idea how to accomplish that.
Well, this is good to write it down this way. It helps me clear my thoughts. Let's see. Maybe next time when I walk on the street or in an elevator with one stranger, I'll try to replace my negative useless thoughts with a happy memory or something nice that can occupy my mind.
Please let me know if someone has any suggestions. I'd appreciate it!
I know I'm just thinking too much of it and am afraid of nothing. But I can't help thinking about it. Should I make an eye contact with the stranger in the elevator? Should I smile to him? But what if he takes it in a wrong way... Is the person looking at me? Should I talk to him?
I mean in the US, it's pretty simple. You just say hi. But in this country, instead of "hi," the greeting can be "oh, you just came back home," or "Did you eat?" But usually you say that to the neighbors you already know.
When anyone in the elevator who's with a kid or a dog, then it's easier for me to comment on the kid or the dog. Well, if it's a dog, then I wouldn't even be able to resist myself to ask about that "angle." I love animals.
But I can't think of anything to say when it's a young guy or a girl. I mean I'm totally fine when there are a group of people in the elevator, and I'm just one of them. I only get uncomfortable when there are only one person left besides me. It just feels so uncomfortable, and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do! Well, if the other person completely ignores me, then I'm fine with that. Sometimes, he or she may look at you and maybe try to say something. Then I'm freaked out! I don't know what the hell I can say to them. Especially when it's a young guy, it's the hardest for me.
I'm sure that people with no mental illness would never think much about this kind of daily life public situations. But for me, these things take up a lot of my thoughts every single day. I know I'm being ridiculous, and there's absolutely no need for me to think about any of these. But too bad, I have no control of my mind. It's all automatic.
Even walking on the street, I have to think about useless little things like "should I look forward; should I look down to avoid eye contact with that person walking towards me; is the person walking towards me looking at me; should I make eye contact with him; why is he looking at me; why is everybody looking at me...?" I know I'm driving myself nuts. But I can't help doing it. I'm uncomfortable all the time.
I suppose all these thoughts are my negative thoughts. I need to find a way to stop getting these negative thoughts in my head and replace them with positive ones. Well, it might sound easy, but I have no idea how to accomplish that.
Well, this is good to write it down this way. It helps me clear my thoughts. Let's see. Maybe next time when I walk on the street or in an elevator with one stranger, I'll try to replace my negative useless thoughts with a happy memory or something nice that can occupy my mind.
Please let me know if someone has any suggestions. I'd appreciate it!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Interview
It was a beautiful day since early this morning. You could even see blue sky through those clouds that never go away from Beijing's skyline. I didn't expect to see a blue sky in Beijing, so I was kind of excited. I even called up my mother to tell her how happy I was to see a little bit blue sky that was looking out through the heavy clouds. The polluted environment was one reason I didn't wanna stay in Beijing. Now I see maybe things can be different. I could even see the surrounding mountains so far away. It was a lovely day.
So I had an interview today. It all went well, by my standard. I wasn't that nervous and I liked the company and the job too. We'll see what happens.
Beijing is actually surprisingly clean and modern. Everything is newly built. They also reuse all tickets they issue. What a great idea! Environment friendly, I like that.
And this clean place is MY own country. Just by thinking of that made me happy and proud. Now if I want a quality life, I have no need to look any further. It's right here, right in front of me. This is great.
Following good people's advice can I now see a new hope for my life. I'm really looking forward to that...
So I had an interview today. It all went well, by my standard. I wasn't that nervous and I liked the company and the job too. We'll see what happens.
Beijing is actually surprisingly clean and modern. Everything is newly built. They also reuse all tickets they issue. What a great idea! Environment friendly, I like that.
And this clean place is MY own country. Just by thinking of that made me happy and proud. Now if I want a quality life, I have no need to look any further. It's right here, right in front of me. This is great.
Following good people's advice can I now see a new hope for my life. I'm really looking forward to that...
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Rules of Changes
A quote from "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying"
生者必死，
聚者必散，
积者必竭，
立者必倒，
高者必堕。
Translation of above:
Who ever is alive will definitely die,
Who ever gathers will definitely grow apart,
Who ever accumulates will definitely exhaust,
Who ever stands will definitely collapse,
Who ever stays high will definitely fall.
生者必死，
聚者必散，
积者必竭，
立者必倒，
高者必堕。
Translation of above:
Who ever is alive will definitely die,
Who ever gathers will definitely grow apart,
Who ever accumulates will definitely exhaust,
Who ever stands will definitely collapse,
Who ever stays high will definitely fall.
A Poor Puppy's Destiny
I heard a very sad story yesterday about a poor puppy that I've never met. My cousin's mother-in-law's household had him(don't know the sex of the dog though) as a loved one for a while. Unfortunately, he was only their most loved one until a human new born arrived. He was then been kept in their balcony all the time and wasn't allowed inside of their apartment. If he ever tried to get inside, everyone yelled at him to get out.
The puppy realized that he wasn't loved anymore. So he found a chance to run outside and never came back. He was maybe looking for a family who would fall in love with him and bring him back home. Their family members felt bad and looked for him, but only to find out that the puppy was hit by a car and died...
I think maybe there should be a law making people to acknowledge that having a pet is no less of a responsibility than having a baby before they purchase a pet. It seems to me that some people treat them as objects, welcoming them to their home only when they love them and kicking them out whenever the need for love is replaced by something else.
I did then think that maybe it was the puppy's karma. Maybe he did something bad in his past life. But I know in my heart that no dog is evil in this world. Only humans and circumstances will make them as "bad dogs." In my mind, they're all angels. I love all of them very very much. And I don't wanna hear a sad story like this anymore. It just makes me wanna cry...
The puppy realized that he wasn't loved anymore. So he found a chance to run outside and never came back. He was maybe looking for a family who would fall in love with him and bring him back home. Their family members felt bad and looked for him, but only to find out that the puppy was hit by a car and died...
I think maybe there should be a law making people to acknowledge that having a pet is no less of a responsibility than having a baby before they purchase a pet. It seems to me that some people treat them as objects, welcoming them to their home only when they love them and kicking them out whenever the need for love is replaced by something else.
I did then think that maybe it was the puppy's karma. Maybe he did something bad in his past life. But I know in my heart that no dog is evil in this world. Only humans and circumstances will make them as "bad dogs." In my mind, they're all angels. I love all of them very very much. And I don't wanna hear a sad story like this anymore. It just makes me wanna cry...
Beijing...
Most polluted air in the world?? At least the worst I've ever seen in my life. You see buildings 200 meters away in the frog. It's that bad. It's beyong your imagination. But what're you gonna do...
The government is well aware of the air pollution throughout the country. I've also been told that during the fast economic growing period of Japan, its air was heavily polluted as well. So I suppose this is just what every developing country has to go through.
Here I am in Beijing looking for a job... Is this what I want and what I came here for? Well, I don't even know what I want anymore. Most Chinese people live their life and work their jobs because they have no other choices. Fortunately and unfornately for me, I'm the one Chinese who can choose to live in China or other countries. Saying "fortunately" is because a lot of Chinese dream of what options are available for me; saying "unfornately" is because that's the reason I'm so confused. I don't know what to choose. I don't know what is the best for me.
BUT... I did choose to come here, my own country, the country I've always loved, the country I've missed. So whether it's good or bad, now I do kind of feel I'm stuck with it anyway. There's no turning back or turning away. I've just got to work with whatever is available in here.
Anyways, looking for a job is no fun. Working a job could be even worse. But that's what I'm gonna do in Beijing. No choice is left.
Well, that doesn't sound very positive, does it? Let me try this way.
* I will find a job in Beijing that I enjoy doing.
* I will be confident and do fine at the interview.
* I will use "slow talk" tenique during the interview so that I won't get too nervous.
* I will use my own languages to describe my qualifications and experiences to the interviewer as trying to use difficult words only make me feel more nervous and clumsier.
* I am making the right choice.
* Though there might be many difficulties, but in the end of each day I'll still feel that I like what I do.
* Good things won't happen overnight. I will keep up with what I do everyday (including searching for jobs and sending resumes, yoga, sit-ups, reading The Ants Handout, listening to "Overcoming SAD relaxiation tape," etc.).
* Life will be good as long as I won't give up with what I do.
Be postive, be enthusiastic, be nice and considerate to others, smile...
Go to bed early, get up early in the morning, keep doing what I have to do...
Positive, positive, and positive!
The government is well aware of the air pollution throughout the country. I've also been told that during the fast economic growing period of Japan, its air was heavily polluted as well. So I suppose this is just what every developing country has to go through.
Here I am in Beijing looking for a job... Is this what I want and what I came here for? Well, I don't even know what I want anymore. Most Chinese people live their life and work their jobs because they have no other choices. Fortunately and unfornately for me, I'm the one Chinese who can choose to live in China or other countries. Saying "fortunately" is because a lot of Chinese dream of what options are available for me; saying "unfornately" is because that's the reason I'm so confused. I don't know what to choose. I don't know what is the best for me.
BUT... I did choose to come here, my own country, the country I've always loved, the country I've missed. So whether it's good or bad, now I do kind of feel I'm stuck with it anyway. There's no turning back or turning away. I've just got to work with whatever is available in here.
Anyways, looking for a job is no fun. Working a job could be even worse. But that's what I'm gonna do in Beijing. No choice is left.
Well, that doesn't sound very positive, does it? Let me try this way.
* I will find a job in Beijing that I enjoy doing.
* I will be confident and do fine at the interview.
* I will use "slow talk" tenique during the interview so that I won't get too nervous.
* I will use my own languages to describe my qualifications and experiences to the interviewer as trying to use difficult words only make me feel more nervous and clumsier.
* I am making the right choice.
* Though there might be many difficulties, but in the end of each day I'll still feel that I like what I do.
* Good things won't happen overnight. I will keep up with what I do everyday (including searching for jobs and sending resumes, yoga, sit-ups, reading The Ants Handout, listening to "Overcoming SAD relaxiation tape," etc.).
* Life will be good as long as I won't give up with what I do.
Be postive, be enthusiastic, be nice and considerate to others, smile...
Go to bed early, get up early in the morning, keep doing what I have to do...
Positive, positive, and positive!
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