Crazy Me

Well, everyone who's been reading my blog might think I'm crazy when you hear this. I think I recovered from my "love flu." That soon? Just in a couple of days? Yes... I'm recovering from both a a real flu and this one. After I calmed down, I realized how unrealistic for us to be together and how my desire to be in love tricked me to think I liked that guy. Well, of course I still like him, but it's not love. Well, you could say that I'm being realistic too. I don't wanna get involved in someone who might leave this country anytime.

We had three days off in Beijing for the new year's celebration. Since I was sick, I spent most of the days staying at home and watched three movies. One was called "Changeling," starred by Angelina Jolie and directed by Clint Eastwood. A true story took place around 1930s that portrayed a single mom whose kid disappeared one day, who ended up fighting against LAPD's corrupted, immoral and inhumane hierarchy. About Clint Eastwood's work, well you all know how great he is. I can't find a good way to express it. But I'll say that I like his movie better than movies he appeared except "The Bridges of Madison County(well, actually he directed this one too)." Angelina Jolie did an excellent job at acting and her voice sounded so sexy. One thing about her bothers me so much though. Her lips! It seems like she's done something more to them. They just looked huge and flappy. Seriously, I don't understand what makes her think they look better that way. I think she'll look much better if she did nothing. It's just a pity.


The second one I watched was the one I've been dying to see... "Quantum of Solace(007)" by Daniel Craig. The second movie after Daniel Craig was chosen to act James Bond since "Casino Royale." It wasn't as good as "Casino Royale"(as I expected), but I still lose my mind for a couple of days after watching a movie with Daniel Craig in it. An amazing actor who still looks the coolest even when his whole face is covered with mud! I wanna get a huge and good quality poster of him and put up on the wall in my room. I think that way I can work out more and lose weight. Well, he has the sexiest body you've never seen!

Both were excellent movies. HIGHLY recommended. But if you ever watch "Quantum of Solace," make sure you see "Casino Royale" first. The stories are linked.

Have a nice week~~~~ And if you got a minute, please pray for Lulabelle's nephew's safe return from a war zone.

In Love with Lover or Love?

A lot of times, I can tell that I'm more in love with "love" than the man. The wonderings, doubts, confusions, passion, hope and the desire of getting to know the person are the ones occupying my mind and making my heart beat fast. And sometimes I'm not so sure whether I'm really in love with the man or not.

Don't we become blind when we fall in love because we're more in love with "love?" And that's preventing us from seeing the truth and facts about the one we think we love?

It seems like true for my past relationships anyways...

Sick

Visited two Buddhist temples today in this freezing weather. Thought I was gonna die. Couldn't really enjoy it because it was just too cold. And I also caught cold and wasn't feeling well.

Well, I've calmed down a little bit today. Maybe I had too much caffein yesterday. I don't know what it is, sometimes I just have a hard time to control my emotions(a lot of times).

I'm still confused. I'm not sure if he is the one I want... One thing I know for sure is that I wanna get to know him. I've never seen anyone who has travelled as much as he did, speaks as many languages and has as much intelligence as he does. I'd like to hear all his countless stories. I'm sure that listening to him would be like reading a real-life novel. And it'll be full of dramas, emotions and surprises. Would that be okay if we just become very good friends? I guess it'll be fine if both of us didn't have feelings towards each other... And is it the case right now? I don't know. Also working together makes it harder.

Well, I'm gonna forget about all this and just go to sleep. Everything will be okay, I know it will.

In Love? or Trouble?

I think I might be in love. Just like all my relationships I had in the past, if it does develop somehow, it'll be a relationship that goes to nowhere...

I'm confused again. Why do I have to like someone who's gonna eventually leave? Why do I always like to dig myself a hole that I can't get out?

He is a coworker who's from a foreign country(somewhere outside of China). We all know he'll eventually leave. I never thought of him that way until I chatted with this guy a coworker introduced me who asked me how much I weighed. Out of no reason, I thought of him. I thought of how much we enjoy talking to each other, how much we have in common, how much I admire his intelligence and maturity. It was all unconcious...now it has come up to the surface...and now I'm in "trouble." I won't have the peace of mind that I've had all these days. My brain doesn't let me control what I think. I just end up thinking about him...

I'm going to visit a temple with a girl(coworker) today. I thought to myself that I felt sorry that he couldn't go with us. All these signs of me liking him have come clear to me on the very last day of 2008.

I kind of know that if I really do wanna develop this relationship, he probably won't say no. Because I can tell it's mutual. If I enjoy talking to one person, that person usually feels the same way, isn't it the way it is?

I couldn't focus on work at all yesterday, just chatting with him all day. I was the one who started every conversation. I was one step close to tell him how I felt. Guess I made it pretty obvious??

He left for vacation. I wanted to call him before his plane took off, but I hung up a few seconds after calling. I'm hesitating and didn't know if this was right. I knew I need to calm down and think this through. But I guess I didn't hang up quick enough before my number showed up on his cell phone. He called me back twice later and I missed both. He left a text message saying in Chinese that he was getting on the plane soon and will see me in 2009. It made me happy to see his words that I didn't expect.

I know what I need is not a temporary relationship. I need a true one that we can build into something serious. If this is the condition, then I'd better forget about him right now!

What should I do? Be smart? Or just be stupid like the way I've always been? I guess the answer is pretty obvious... unfortunately and sadly it's just against my mind.

Besides, he is a coworker. Someone I work closely with... Wow, isn't it pretty bad?

Wishing everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Favorite Poem

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where

I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride

I love you because I know no other way than this

So close that your hand on my chest is my hand

So close that when you close your eyes I fall asleep


-- A quotation from one of my favorite movies - Dead Poets Society

What a Disappointment

A coworker introduced me one of her friends to me today after knowing I was hoping to meet someone. They used to work together. We exchanged messenger IDs and started chatting tonight.

I've never ever talked to anyone who's as rude and stupid as him! Unbelievable! After we started chatting for 5 or 10 minutes. This question popped up, "what do you think about marriage?" Well, I thought it was a "little" early to talk about stuff like that, but I answered the question. But that wasn't the end of his questionings. "How tall are you?" Well, if you thought that was okay to ask, then hear this. "How much do you weigh?" What the hell is wrong with him???? Well, if I were a real thin girl, I may not have minded. That's the thing bothering me the most. And he SMARTLY chose the "right" question to ask. I thought nowadays in China it's been considered rude to ask a woman's weight too. Guess I was wrong?? Shouldn't he have some kind of sense for sensitive questions like this, and asking a girl whom he's never even met????? Go to hell!

Well, he still didn't finish yet. "Are you a career-oriented type of woman?" I finally ran out of my patience and said, "your questions are too.... serious..., feels like an interview." Then I excused myself by saying I had to take a shower and go to sleep soon. I guess he got it and said okay and nothing else. THANK GOD! I'm not interested in talking to him again...

Well, this isn't gonna be easy, but like all the good stuff in life, it won't come easy. I guess I'm gonna need a lot more patience.

Where to Find the True Happiness

What a great day! The ski tour was fabulous! I enjoyed every minute of it.

It was my first time to ski. It turned out to be a nightmare in the first round. Almost as soon as I started sliding, I fell down right away. I fell at least 5 times in the first round and also crushed into someone else. Fortunately, no one got hurt. Then with a coworker's instruction(she overheard(purposely, so smart) from a paid instructor who was teaching someone else), I learned how to stop sliding(by spreading the back of your legs). I told the girl who was skiing with me how to do it, then we were both on the right track. We learned how to control sliding. Kept repeating sliding and stopping without rushing to ski faster. Since our progress was very obvious each time we try, it just got more and more fun to do it. To go up the hill, we could have the lift to take us. But we chose to walk up because of the long line and to save time. You don't get tired to ski. You get tired by walking up the hill!

Just as I started to be able to control the speed and not to fall down, a guy behind me crushed into me so hard that his whole leg ended up on top of my waist. Well, don't worry. We were both okay, but it was scary. Thought he did it on purpose...but realized later that he was really new too. hehe...

Practice makes it perfect. Although we were far away from being perfect, at the end of the day we could ski in the beginners' course without falling down for once. After we learned how to control sliding, we also figured out how to control directions. The more we did it, the more control we were able to have. In the beginning, when I was about to crush into someone, I would panic and then really did crush. But at the end, in that case, I could calmly just stop sliding. The difference was obvious. I was so glad that I could make a difference more quickly than I expected.

I can't tell you how great it felt. We were both sorry that we had to leave. On the way back, we were already talking about when we should all go again. I can't wait to go back!

What we found interesting about skiing was that you don't actually learn how to "ski." Anyone can slide and go forward when they get on the skis. The first thing you learn is how to stop; the second is to learn how to conrol directions.

Also, fear is the biggest barrier. Whenever I was afraid, I either fell or crushed into someone. Fear is the enermy of all sports or marshal arts, isn't it? Learning skiing or any other kind of sports seems like a mental challenge to overcome your fear. I enjoyed that challenge. Maybe we could say the same thing to a lot of things we do in life. Overcoming fear and nervousness is a life time challenge. At least for me it is true.

I'm the kind of stubborn person who likes to figure things out by myself. Some of my coworkers learned by watching others or by listening. Certain things you'll take ten more times to master than learning from an expert. Good for me that I spent all my time with another coworker(although she was also a beginner) and we shared our learnings and information.

I almost forgot my headline was "where to find the true happiness."

I had spent all my life looking for happiness from outside. When I decided to go to college in US, I was hoping to become happy there. I also tried satisfy myself with material things, as much as I thought I wanted and needed. Like what's being said in the movie Fight Club, "you work a job you hate and buy the junk you don't need." That was exactly what I did. My happiness was no where to find. I failed miserably. I still was the old me(if not worse) who was misery, hate to be around other people; who had no confidence and little self-esteem. After spending so much time looking to be happy from the outside world, I've finally come to the realization that...

To find happiness, you need to look no further. All you need to look is what's inside of yourself.

I am happier than ever now and feeling like I'm getting back the old me(as a child) who was confident and happy. Buddhism is helping a lot, really. I absolutely love it. Now I've got a coworker who's interested in Buddhism, hope we'll go visit some temples and museums in Beijing. It'll be so much fun!

A little bit early, but Happy New Year to everyone! Hope all of you are able to have the inner peace and true happiness...