My Life Now and Then

Hello

2009-07-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to access blogger.com for two months now. Now it seems we have limited access here. I still can't access others' blogs.

I'm doing good. I've missed my blogger community and haven't been wondering how everyone is doing. Hope you are all well.

Lulabelle, I can't access your blog. I've missed your blog. Hope you are well!
Hope to read you soon.

Enjoying Life?

2009-04-30T10:30:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a month since my last posting. How is everyone doing? I just don't have much to say on my blog these days. I know it's a sign that I'm doing better in real life. I do appreciate my progress and the fact that I can enjoy life each day.

Anyways, just wanted to let everyone know that I haven't abandoned my blog.
Enjoy your weekend, I'll come back soon!

Catch and Turn

2009-03-31T20:13:00.000-07:00

Very often, I'm angry for no reason. Just feel like picking up a fight with someone. Nobody offended me or anything. Nothing bad happened either. Just irritated for no reason. Why do we do that? Imbalanced horomones?

Well, maybe there were some little things that didn't happen in the way I expected which made me upset. Just some silly things. Maybe I'm too self-centered.

Thanks to Buddhism, now I learned when that happens, first I need to catch myself doing it. Then turn that frustration or irritation into something calm and positive. The hard part is to constantly be aware of the condition of your mind. Sometimes I can only catch that after the storm is gone and the damage is done. However, by practicing this overtime, one should be able to catch it as soon as such irritation appears. The goal is to eventually be free of frustraion, irritaition, jealousy, hatred and all kinds of negative feelings we human beings possess.

I know it sounds difficult, but it's possible by practicing overtime. The key again is consistency. Never give up.

Life is about choices

2009-03-19T21:22:00.000-07:00

Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I'd be twins!" He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Michael and asked him, "I don' t get it. You can' t be positive all the time. How do you do it?"

Michael replied, each morning I wake up and say to myself 'Mike, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right. It isn't that easy." I protested.

"Yes it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line is: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Michael said.

Soon thereafter, I left the big enterprise that I had worked in for years to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often though about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard Michael was involved in a serious accident, falling off 60 feet from a communications tower.

After l8 hours of surgery, and weeks of intensive care, Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw Michael about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well being of my soon-to-born daughter," Michael replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, remembered I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Michael continued, "... the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the operation room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, l read 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me" said Michael. "She asked me if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I said. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled", 'Gravity'" Over their laughter, I told them, 'I'm choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead'."

Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude.

I learned from him that every day we have a choice to live fully. Attitude is everything.

(Note: Again I got this from an email that did not note the original source. If anyone finds out, please let me know. I just loved it! Hope you do too.)

Fleeting Life

2009-03-19T18:17:00.000-07:00

The sudden death of the actress Natasha Richardson reminded me again how fleeting life and everything in the world can be. I wasn't familiar with her, but her husband Liam Neeson is one of my favorite actors. A successful actress, the mother of two children, a lovely woman left behind everyone who love her and everything she loved, only at age of 45.

Oprah Winfrey :
"I just want to say how deeply saddened I am, we all are, by the sudden passing of actress Natasha Richardson yesterday. Our thoughts and prayers are with her husband Liam Neeson , their two sons, the rest of their family and friends. Yet another reminder of how fleeting life can be and how precious. We need to value every moment."
(Source from: http://omg.yahoo.com/news/lindsay-lohan-meryl-streep-remember-nat)

We tend to think that we all live childhood, teenage, adulthood, then old age; that we all live today and will be living tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and so on. But life has always been suggesting otherwise. Your life or mine can be ended anytime today or tomorrow. When you leave home in the morning, there's no guarantee that you will return at night. That's how fragile and short life can be.

Just like Oprah said, knowing this truth of life makes us treasure today, right this moment. Makes us appreciate what we have and who we have in our lives, each day, each moment. Urges us to seize every moment we can to work hard towards our goals.

How lucky we are to live this wonderful day...

P.S. I'm inviting fellow bloggers to correct my English. I'm sure there're a lot of errors in my writing, or maybe just unnatural English phrases and sentences. I'll really appreciate it if any of you are interested in doing so. I can tell that I'm losing my English these days, especially for the speaking part. I get no one to talk to in here! Gotta find some native friends...

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Interview with God

2009-03-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

"Come in," God said to me, "so, you would like to interview Me?"

"If you have the time," I said.

He smiled through His beard and said: "My time is called eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?"

"None that are new to you. What's the one thing that surprises you most about mankind?"

He answered: "That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they never had never lived."

His hands took mine and we were silent. After a long period, I said, "May I ask you another question?"

He replied with a smile.

"As a Father, what would you ask your children to do for the new year?"

"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.

To learn that it takes years to build trust, and a few seconds to destroy it.

To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives.

To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. There will be others better or worse than they are.

To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

To learn that they should control their attitudes, otherwise their attitudes will control them.

To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them.

To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.

To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to show their feelings.

To learn that money can buy everything but happiness.

To learn that while at times they may be entitled to be upset, that does not give them the right to upset those around them.

To learn that great dreams do not require great wings, but a landing gear to achieve.

To learn that true friends are scarce, he/she who has found one has found a true treasure.

To learn that they are masters of what they keep to themselves and slaves of what they say.

To learn that they shall reap what they plant; if they plant gossip they will harvest intrigues, if they plant love they will harvest happiness.

To learn that true happiness is not to achieve their goals but to learn to be satisfied with what they already achieved.

To learn that happiness is a decision. They decide to be happy with what they are and have, or die from envy and jealousy of what they lack.

To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

To learn that those who are honest with themselves without considering the consequences go far in life.

To learn that even though they may think they have nothing to give, when a friend cries with them, they find the strength to appease the pain.

To learn that by trying to hold on to love ones, they very quickly push them away; and by letting go of those they love, they will be side by side forever.”

(Note: I got this piece from an email sent to me and I do not know the original source. I looked the internet but found tons of similar sources. This is great and so true anyways. Hope you enjoy it!)

Umm...

2009-03-14T22:48:00.000-07:00

The other day I dreamed of myself being pregnant...Too bad I don't remember all the details.

Weird...

Another Strange Dream

2009-03-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

----------------------------
Seems like we were all visiting some rural place and staying in a old dirty looking motel. I was sleeping in my room. Then I felt someone pressed his lips against mine but I couldn't tell it was a dream or real. I was too tired to wake up. I was thinking it must be a dream, but it just felt too real for a dream. I finally woke up and realized it was not a dream. He was laying next to me telling me that he was wondering if I wanted this too. Seems like he sneaked into my room while I was sleeping. I thought I should've locked the door. I said no. I was still too sleepy to completely be awake and be freaked out. He stayed on my bed for a while, maybe to see if I might change my mind. Then he got up. As he was putting his clothes on, I kind of didn't want him to go.

After he left, I couldn't fall back to sleep. All of sudden, I started seeing shadows inside of the room. I thought it must be a dream. But they kept showing up. Then I saw shadows showing up outside of the window as well. I was terribly scared. Finally, I decided to go visit his room. As I was getting dressed, he opened the door again asking me if I wanted to join them to get something to eat and maybe just leave this place from there. I was disappointed and cranky. I said no. He left again. I had to stay in that creepy room by myself.
------------------------------
God knows why I'm dreaming of him again. A weired dream that had dreams inside of the dream. It felt so real that I could only realize it was really a dream after I woke up.

Well, hope I don't develop the special ability to see ghosts!

The One of a Lifetime

2009-03-02T02:13:00.000-08:00

Some people say that everyone has the one of lifetime who's destined to be bonded with. Others say it's like winning a lottery to find that destined one, and it won't happen to most people. Instead they'll more likely to marry someone who's not the righ one. Some also say that the first time he met his wife, he knew immediately that she were the one.

For me, this is all confusing. Where should I look? What should I be hoping for? Should I not think about it at all since some people say that destined one will appear when you least expected.

I know, the right attitude towards this is to live and enjoy my life, not to think about it too much, and eventually he'll appear. Will I know it if it does happen? I have no idea. What if he will never do? Is that a possiblity too? I guess so. There's no guarantees in life. Will I end up empty handed in the ending days of my life? Guess that's totally possible too.

Well, just wondering... We all need to be in love. That's for sure.

Nothing much...

2009-02-14T04:05:00.000-08:00

I love blogging, but these days I don't know what I wanna write about. I miss writing something to share with other bloggers. So I'm just gonna write whatever comes up to mind tonight.

Well, life is short. I hear people say that all the time. I never gave much thought of it before. But now I do. Now I feel life is too short that I won't be able to have enough time to accomplish whatever that is I wanna do in life. A sense of urgency? Yes, an urgency that I feel I need to hurry to start doing whatever that is I wanna accomplish.

These days I think I have found my purpose of life. I wanna pursue the way of life as a Buddhist for the rest of my life. And it is Tibetan Buddhism. On the other hand, I also wanna get married and find the true soulmate whose purpose of life is as same as mine.

Well, I do still have a lot of confusions going on such as whether at some point I wanna become a nun. But as long as I have that kind of confusions, I won't decide what to do. So I'll take it slowly and see what happens.

May you all be satisfied and happy with your life... Life is wonderful!

Strange Dreams

2009-01-26T05:02:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have been following my blog may remember once I wrote about this guy I work with that I thought I had feelings of. Later I said it was unreal for us to be together and I was over it. But you know what? This guy has appeared in my dream a couple of days ago....again! Yes, it was the second time that he appeared in my dream as my boyfriend.

I dreamed of him out of no reason at all. I was not thinking about him and I thought I was over him. In both dreams, we were at either my home or his. In the second dream, he actually confessed his feelings towards me, then the next scene, we were at home eating with other coworkers(though no face looked familiar to me, but just seemed like they were our coworkers). And the coworkers were giving out ideas about how we should handle our relationship at work.

One thing for sure is that I SO want to have a serious relationship that would lead to marriage. As of him, he is not Chinese. Although he says he doesn't think he'll eventually go back to his country, but I think eventually that's what he'll do(back to his country). And it's unimaginable for me to live in his country. I would not want to leave China again.

There's also another problem...his height. He's probably shorter than me. I've never dated anyone who's shorter than myself. It is kind of a problem for me...

One friend has said that the reason I dreamed of him is probably because of my strong desire to be romantically involved with someone. I'll try to think this way instead of seeing him in a romantic way. It's just surreal to be with him.

It's Chinese New Year Eve last night. I've got 7 days off that I don't know what to do with! I've got to do something meaningful during this break. Else I'll just be sitting at home doing nothing all day. I've got to do something productive! I may go visit one temple each day. We'll see.

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone!

The Path to Become a Buddhist

2009-01-22T20:36:00.000-08:00

I am into Buddhism more than ever now. I have just met a Tibetan nun last Saturday who is originally from Japan. Spending a whole day with her, I felt that Buddhism has become something that I'd like to pursue and cherish for the rest of my life, and even becoming a nun could be possbile.

With only a little Buddhist practice, I've become a happier, more relaxed and generous person than I ever was in my whole life. I used to have so much focus on meterials. Most of the times, I never wanted to share anything with anyone else. After understanding that giving to others makes no difference from giving it to myself; and that every creature in this world used to be my mother at one time(at some point in my past lives. I think "mother" in here does not simply mean the person who gave you birth.), I mind very little sharing my belonggings with others. They are materials afterall. We cannot bring anything to this world when we're born, neither can we take anything with us when we die. So what's the big deal? Give it to others if they're in need. Right?

I've been wanting to write about a lot of thoughts about Buddhism since last Saturday. But I just got too many thoughts and I simply didn't know where to start. The Japanese nun showed me some pictures of the place she lives made me think that living as a monk or a nun in a Tibetan district(within Sichuan Province of China) seemed like a life of heaven to me. I would like to do exactly the same if I didn't have anything left I wanna do in my current life. I still wanna get married and have children.

Being a monk or a nun is the best way of practicing Buddhism. For now, I'll have to do the second best which is to practice while accommodating my current lifestyle. There's so much I can do. Well, when I know there's so much I should be doing, I don't know what to do or where to start. I wish I could dedicate all my time and energy to practice. But obviously it's not possible with a full-time job.

I'll write more about Buddhism when I can. Hope you're all happy and well.

Selfish Me

2009-01-12T07:27:00.000-08:00

Some days I feel great and life just seems so good. Some days like these couple of days I just get so much to think about and make me feel everything in life sucks. When it comes to time like now, I just wish I had a gun so I could end all my problems and stop fighting them.

When I'm feeling good, I can listen to all those beautiful voices telling me that everyone loves me, the world is always on my side, and all I need is patience and time to fix my problems. At times like now, I can only hear negative voices... my problems will never go away; I'll never get the kind of life that I want; and I'll always be who I used to be: miserable, low-self esteem, no confidence, no people skills, no hope, no life...

I've been a selfish person all my life. Now I wanna change that part of me. I thought I was getting better at it. But when it comes to favors that others ask me to do, the selfish part of me still beats up the generous voice. The difference now is that I can see that I'm being selfish. But this creates a fight inside of my head and it makes me regret the way I treated others. Then I feel I'm just so hopeless. All these positive affirmations are not working. Then what the hell did I work so hard for?

When people ask me favors, I get a hard time trying to figure out whether they think of me as their friend or just trying to use me. If I ever doubt that they're trying to use me, then I'm likely refuse to help. I could be paranoid(mostly likely, but I'm not sure) or is this just a sign of low self-esteem? Anyways, it makes me feel guilty for lying to others saying that I couldn't help because I had other things to do.

Lulabelle, I admire you for having such a beatiful gun. Well, we all hope that we'll never have to use it, but it probably feels great(powerful?) to have one. Especially like the one Lulabelle has.

Anyways, it feels good to put my thoughts down. It clears out my mind. I know I've got to work towards the positive aspects of life no matter how terrible and frustrating I felt today.

There's this wise university professor from Taiwan whom I admire said that though we often think human relationship is between you and others, but actually it's a relationship between you and yourself. If you hate yourself, you're likely to hate others as well. If you love others, others mostly like will love you too. If you're unhappy with yourself, you're likely to be unhappy with the rest of the world. It makes sense, doesn't it? I used to hate myself(still do sometimes) and no wonder I couldn't get along with the rest of the world!

I will feel great again tomorrow. My problems won't go away, but I will figure out how to deal with my problems. I will, from now on, be able to feel happy to do favors for others. Helping others will actually feel like helping myself. I will be able to feel that way someday, hopefully soon...

Crazy Me

2009-01-04T18:39:00.000-08:00

Well, everyone who's been reading my blog might think I'm crazy when you hear this. I think I recovered from my "love flu." That soon? Just in a couple of days? Yes... I'm recovering from both a a real flu and this one. After I calmed down, I realized how unrealistic for us to be together and how my desire to be in love tricked me to think I liked that guy. Well, of course I still like him, but it's not love. Well, you could say that I'm being realistic too. I don't wanna get involved in someone who might leave this country anytime.

We had three days off in Beijing for the new year's celebration. Since I was sick, I spent most of the days staying at home and watched three movies. One was called "Changeling," starred by Angelina Jolie and directed by Clint Eastwood. A true story took place around 1930s that portrayed a single mom whose kid disappeared one day, who ended up fighting against LAPD's corrupted, immoral and inhumane hierarchy. About Clint Eastwood's work, well you all know how great he is. I can't find a good way to express it. But I'll say that I like his movie better than movies he appeared except "The Bridges of Madison County(well, actually he directed this one too)." Angelina Jolie did an excellent job at acting and her voice sounded so sexy. One thing about her bothers me so much though. Her lips! It seems like she's done something more to them. They just looked huge and flappy. Seriously, I don't understand what makes her think they look better that way. I think she'll look much better if she did nothing. It's just a pity.

The second one I watched was the one I've been dying to see... "Quantum of Solace(007)" by Daniel Craig. The second movie after Daniel Craig was chosen to act James Bond since "Casino Royale." It wasn't as good as "Casino Royale"(as I expected), but I still lose my mind for a couple of days after watching a movie with Daniel Craig in it. An amazing actor who still looks the coolest even when his whole face is covered with mud! I wanna get a huge and good quality poster of him and put up on the wall in my room. I think that way I can work out more and lose weight. Well, he has the sexiest body you've never seen!

Both were excellent movies. HIGHLY recommended. But if you ever watch "Quantum of Solace," make sure you see "Casino Royale" first. The stories are linked.

Have a nice week~~~~ And if you got a minute, please pray for Lulabelle's nephew's safe return from a war zone.

In Love with Lover or Love?

2009-01-02T07:16:00.000-08:00

A lot of times, I can tell that I'm more in love with "love" than the man. The wonderings, doubts, confusions, passion, hope and the desire of getting to know the person are the ones occupying my mind and making my heart beat fast. And sometimes I'm not so sure whether I'm really in love with the man or not.

Don't we become blind when we fall in love because we're more in love with "love?" And that's preventing us from seeing the truth and facts about the one we think we love?

It seems like true for my past relationships anyways...

Sick

2009-01-01T04:19:00.000-08:00

Visited two Buddhist temples today in this freezing weather. Thought I was gonna die. Couldn't really enjoy it because it was just too cold. And I also caught cold and wasn't feeling well.

Well, I've calmed down a little bit today. Maybe I had too much caffein yesterday. I don't know what it is, sometimes I just have a hard time to control my emotions(a lot of times).

I'm still confused. I'm not sure if he is the one I want... One thing I know for sure is that I wanna get to know him. I've never seen anyone who has travelled as much as he did, speaks as many languages and has as much intelligence as he does. I'd like to hear all his countless stories. I'm sure that listening to him would be like reading a real-life novel. And it'll be full of dramas, emotions and surprises. Would that be okay if we just become very good friends? I guess it'll be fine if both of us didn't have feelings towards each other... And is it the case right now? I don't know. Also working together makes it harder.

Well, I'm gonna forget about all this and just go to sleep. Everything will be okay, I know it will.

In Love? or Trouble?

2008-12-31T11:51:00.000-08:00

I think I might be in love. Just like all my relationships I had in the past, if it does develop somehow, it'll be a relationship that goes to nowhere...

I'm confused again. Why do I have to like someone who's gonna eventually leave? Why do I always like to dig myself a hole that I can't get out?

He is a coworker who's from a foreign country(somewhere outside of China). We all know he'll eventually leave. I never thought of him that way until I chatted with this guy a coworker introduced me who asked me how much I weighed. Out of no reason, I thought of him. I thought of how much we enjoy talking to each other, how much we have in common, how much I admire his intelligence and maturity. It was all unconcious...now it has come up to the surface...and now I'm in "trouble." I won't have the peace of mind that I've had all these days. My brain doesn't let me control what I think. I just end up thinking about him...

I'm going to visit a temple with a girl(coworker) today. I thought to myself that I felt sorry that he couldn't go with us. All these signs of me liking him have come clear to me on the very last day of 2008.

I kind of know that if I really do wanna develop this relationship, he probably won't say no. Because I can tell it's mutual. If I enjoy talking to one person, that person usually feels the same way, isn't it the way it is?

I couldn't focus on work at all yesterday, just chatting with him all day. I was the one who started every conversation. I was one step close to tell him how I felt. Guess I made it pretty obvious??

He left for vacation. I wanted to call him before his plane took off, but I hung up a few seconds after calling. I'm hesitating and didn't know if this was right. I knew I need to calm down and think this through. But I guess I didn't hang up quick enough before my number showed up on his cell phone. He called me back twice later and I missed both. He left a text message saying in Chinese that he was getting on the plane soon and will see me in 2009. It made me happy to see his words that I didn't expect.

I know what I need is not a temporary relationship. I need a true one that we can build into something serious. If this is the condition, then I'd better forget about him right now!

What should I do? Be smart? Or just be stupid like the way I've always been? I guess the answer is pretty obvious... unfortunately and sadly it's just against my mind.

Besides, he is a coworker. Someone I work closely with... Wow, isn't it pretty bad?

Wishing everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Favorite Poem

2008-12-31T02:15:00.000-08:00

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where

I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride

I love you because I know no other way than this

So close that your hand on my chest is my hand

So close that when you close your eyes I fall asleep

-- A quotation from one of my favorite movies - Dead Poets Society

What a Disappointment

2008-12-29T06:00:00.000-08:00

A coworker introduced me one of her friends to me today after knowing I was hoping to meet someone. They used to work together. We exchanged messenger IDs and started chatting tonight.

I've never ever talked to anyone who's as rude and stupid as him! Unbelievable! After we started chatting for 5 or 10 minutes. This question popped up, "what do you think about marriage?" Well, I thought it was a "little" early to talk about stuff like that, but I answered the question. But that wasn't the end of his questionings. "How tall are you?" Well, if you thought that was okay to ask, then hear this. "How much do you weigh?" What the hell is wrong with him???? Well, if I were a real thin girl, I may not have minded. That's the thing bothering me the most. And he SMARTLY chose the "right" question to ask. I thought nowadays in China it's been considered rude to ask a woman's weight too. Guess I was wrong?? Shouldn't he have some kind of sense for sensitive questions like this, and asking a girl whom he's never even met????? Go to hell!

Well, he still didn't finish yet. "Are you a career-oriented type of woman?" I finally ran out of my patience and said, "your questions are too.... serious..., feels like an interview." Then I excused myself by saying I had to take a shower and go to sleep soon. I guess he got it and said okay and nothing else. THANK GOD! I'm not interested in talking to him again...

Well, this isn't gonna be easy, but like all the good stuff in life, it won't come easy. I guess I'm gonna need a lot more patience.

Where to Find the True Happiness

2008-12-27T07:35:00.000-08:00

What a great day! The ski tour was fabulous! I enjoyed every minute of it.

It was my first time to ski. It turned out to be a nightmare in the first round. Almost as soon as I started sliding, I fell down right away. I fell at least 5 times in the first round and also crushed into someone else. Fortunately, no one got hurt. Then with a coworker's instruction(she overheard(purposely, so smart) from a paid instructor who was teaching someone else), I learned how to stop sliding(by spreading the back of your legs). I told the girl who was skiing with me how to do it, then we were both on the right track. We learned how to control sliding. Kept repeating sliding and stopping without rushing to ski faster. Since our progress was very obvious each time we try, it just got more and more fun to do it. To go up the hill, we could have the lift to take us. But we chose to walk up because of the long line and to save time. You don't get tired to ski. You get tired by walking up the hill!

Just as I started to be able to control the speed and not to fall down, a guy behind me crushed into me so hard that his whole leg ended up on top of my waist. Well, don't worry. We were both okay, but it was scary. Thought he did it on purpose...but realized later that he was really new too. hehe...

Practice makes it perfect. Although we were far away from being perfect, at the end of the day we could ski in the beginners' course without falling down for once. After we learned how to control sliding, we also figured out how to control directions. The more we did it, the more control we were able to have. In the beginning, when I was about to crush into someone, I would panic and then really did crush. But at the end, in that case, I could calmly just stop sliding. The difference was obvious. I was so glad that I could make a difference more quickly than I expected.

I can't tell you how great it felt. We were both sorry that we had to leave. On the way back, we were already talking about when we should all go again. I can't wait to go back!

What we found interesting about skiing was that you don't actually learn how to "ski." Anyone can slide and go forward when they get on the skis. The first thing you learn is how to stop; the second is to learn how to conrol directions.

Also, fear is the biggest barrier. Whenever I was afraid, I either fell or crushed into someone. Fear is the enermy of all sports or marshal arts, isn't it? Learning skiing or any other kind of sports seems like a mental challenge to overcome your fear. I enjoyed that challenge. Maybe we could say the same thing to a lot of things we do in life. Overcoming fear and nervousness is a life time challenge. At least for me it is true.

I'm the kind of stubborn person who likes to figure things out by myself. Some of my coworkers learned by watching others or by listening. Certain things you'll take ten more times to master than learning from an expert. Good for me that I spent all my time with another coworker(although she was also a beginner) and we shared our learnings and information.

I almost forgot my headline was "where to find the true happiness."

I had spent all my life looking for happiness from outside. When I decided to go to college in US, I was hoping to become happy there. I also tried satisfy myself with material things, as much as I thought I wanted and needed. Like what's being said in the movie Fight Club, "you work a job you hate and buy the junk you don't need." That was exactly what I did. My happiness was no where to find. I failed miserably. I still was the old me(if not worse) who was misery, hate to be around other people; who had no confidence and little self-esteem. After spending so much time looking to be happy from the outside world, I've finally come to the realization that...

To find happiness, you need to look no further. All you need to look is what's inside of yourself.

I am happier than ever now and feeling like I'm getting back the old me(as a child) who was confident and happy. Buddhism is helping a lot, really. I absolutely love it. Now I've got a coworker who's interested in Buddhism, hope we'll go visit some temples and museums in Beijing. It'll be so much fun!

A little bit early, but Happy New Year to everyone! Hope all of you are able to have the inner peace and true happiness...

Capital Museum, Beijing China

2008-12-24T05:43:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday, I visited the Capital Museum with three coworkers. An amazing experience that was beyond my expectation. I somehow invited the right people without knowing beforehand that one of them was also interested in Buddhism like me. Not just Buddhism, like me, she enjoys all aspects of cultural things. People like that are just so cool.

Not only fascinating Buddhist statues from various ancient periods and breath-takingly beautifully carved jades blew me away, the discussions took place between me and my coworkers made the experience 10 times better than if I went alone. Since many items did not have detailed descriptions(you have to get a audio guide or something), everytime we saw something interesting, we discussed what we thought their purpose of use was. I really enjoyed their company. So glad they came along. Can't wait to go with them again.

Anyways, take a look of these jades if you like.
http://www.capitalmuseum.org.cn//js/yq.htm

Our company organized a ski tour on this Saturday. I'll let you know how that went too. It'll be my first time to ski.

Merry Christmas to everyone!

What I Want

2008-12-06T05:02:00.000-08:00

I want a boyfriend, a husband, a life-long partner, a family, a beloved kid, a home, pets, and everything that comes with the word "marriage." I've never wanted this whole set as much I do now.

I admire happily married couples. I admire their life and their happiness. Marriage makes us feel whole and completed. I believe so.

I'm telling myself everyday that soon my wish will be fulfilled. I know it will but it may take time. Sometimes I can't wait to see this happen. But all goodness of life doesn't come easy. Patience, patience, and more patience. That used be something I was never good at. Now, I'm still not so patient. But I'm trying to be calmer and more enduring.

A happy marriage is what I want in life more than anything. I don't care about work or anything else. A happy marriage is the base of all other things in life. I think so. Especially for women.

May my wish and hope be fulfilled...

and so are yours...

Positive Thoughts

2008-12-03T20:20:00.000-08:00

According to this book I'm reading(Happy for No Reason), saying positive things to yourself can make you much happier. It forces your brain to focus on positive thoughts. So here it goes.

1. Today is a beautiful day with a lot of sunshine and a cleared sky.

2. Tomorrow boss is going to have a talk with me regarding some prolems at work. I can explain myself very well and I will be okay. It won't be a big deal anyway. The worst thing could happen is for me to quit the job. But there will be better opportunities out there waiting for me. I've got ABSOLUTELY nothing to worry about.

3. The world is always on my side. Everyone loves me.

4. I love the world as well. I love everyone. Everyone is friendly and kind to me. So am I to them.

6. My wish(secret) will be fulfilled very soon.

7. I made time for singing this morning. I will keep it up. I'm thinking of looking for a teacher to learn how to sing. I love to sing.

That's it for now. Good luck to everyone who's reading this.
May your life filled with happiness.

Honest Scrap

2008-12-02T15:02:00.000-08:00

10 honest things about myself:

1. I wish I didn't have to grow up in Japan. It was a nightmare.

2. I do not like Japan. (Trying to let this go though. On the other hand, Japanese food is my favorite. I also appreicate a lot of things about Japan. Nothing is completely bad or completely good.)

3. Ever since our family emmigrated to Japan, all my life I'd tried to fit in. And I had never been successful. I was always an outsider.

4. I have some past I wish I could erase. I'm afraid they might affect my future somehow.

5. I wasted most of my teenage time by watching useless Japanese TV programs all day and all night long.

6. I used to be a hateful person. I used to be super paranoid(still a little now) thinking everyone hates me and taking things people said and did way too seriously.

7. I could only focus on others' bad personalities intead of their good.(I'm better now.)

8. I am a Buddhist. Buddhism seesm to be the only way that I can get over my miseries and lead me to a happy life.

9. I appreciate my cousin and her husband who are letting me stay with them, who don't say much about me but always paying attention to me, who will be there whenever I need them. I love their kid.

10. I love my life now. I have so much to look forward in the future. Thanks to Buddhism, to everyone who has supported me in every way. Thanks to my country where I can finally feel like being at home. I love here. I love being a Chinese. Thanks god that I'm finally going to the right direction. I believe it's never too late.

Hello bloggers

2008-11-26T20:13:00.000-08:00

I'm out of my mind these days. Full time job + translation job every night, sometimes even in the morning before I go to work, and of course on weekends. No time to relax at all. And I don't get to sleep enough from time to time because I'm sleeping in the living room. Kid cries at night, I wake up. Cousin't husband stays up late....means I'll have to stay up late. Someone gets up early in the morning... means I wake up early too. And it's extra busy at work because someone had to take a few days off unaccounced to anybody! How is that possible?

Well, I'm complaining. I know it's not good. So I tried to tell myself positive things this morning. I can take a break soon with the part-time translation work anyway. (Although there's still something coming up soon.)

There was a good surprise at work yesterday though. The company gave me a book called "Happy for No Reason, 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out" for my birthday(although it's kind of late by more than a week). It's almost like they knew what I wanted and what I've been working on. It's the Chinese version. I started reading right away. Seems to be a good one which topped a few sales ranking. Although it's only a present given to everyone in the company for their birthdays, it did make me happy.

Anyways, I missed blogging and wanted to say hello. Hope everyone is doing well.

Life is good no matter what. It all depends on how to perceive it.

Emotional Breakdown

2008-11-21T04:07:00.000-08:00

I didn't expect it at all. It just happened. My emotion got carried away by someone's ridiculous comments about my behavior. Not just someone. The people who I'm staying with, my relatives. And their comments were about NOTHING. The least important thing I can think of in this whole world! But I got carried away. I reacted. I hurt them and myself. Then I couldn't come back from there. It happened last night. And I'm still crying over this stupid thing.

I'm feeling a little bit pressure these days for this translation job I took besides my full-time job. I'm a bit behind schedule, and I lost some data of the work I've already done! I was frustrated. It was the worst timing. Really.

I cursed...in my mind...the worst words I could think of. I've been trying to be positive. Exercises, affirmation statements, be thankful to others, be cheerful, be happy... All those good stuff has been helping me a great deal. But last night, I felt everything went backwards. I felt all walls were caving to me. Over the STUPIDEST thing ever. That's what bothers me the most.

I felt I've been walking on a thin line. Then some mean person gave me a little push, and I just fell into hell. I wasn't strong enough to hold up. I kept falling deeper and deeper. I wish I were already that strong and clever since that's what I've been working on. I guess it'll take some more time.

Please stay away from negative people as far as you can. Stay with the positive ones. Even if you don't talk to them, just by the atmosphere they project can affect you in a positive way. My cousin and her husband are the real positive ones. I love to spend time with them.

Anyways, thanks for reading. Thanks to blogging that gives me somewhere to release my frustration.

I'll be okay soon. Next time, I'll learn how to put my emotion aside and react in a clever way. I'm on the path of learning. I know all I need is more time. I know I'll be able to accomplish it someday. Don't let others' negativity affect you. You're the only one who's responsible for your own emotions. Don't let small things bother you. They're nothing at all compared to your goal and your hope for the future. When I calm down, I can see it. Actually I knew all that time, but I still couldn't control myself. My emotion just took over me completely. It was a bit scary...

Anyway, wish you all a good weekend. I will have to work on my translation project, but I'll try to be happy.

Treat everyone as you want to be treated... Be tough-minded, but tender hearted...

"Monsters" -- Do Not Hold me Back

2008-11-12T04:34:00.000-08:00

Hi all. It's been a whlie since last time I wrote. I've missed blogging.

My cousin's son was sick. When he's sick, I know we're all likely to get sick too. I've been careful since last time I got virus from him. But I still couldn't avoid it. I almost threw up in the train the other day. That was scary. I wouldn't possibly accept that fact how embarrassing that would be for me.

I had a day off yesterday and was sleeping all day. I'm feeling much better today.

For some reason, my cousin's baby always wakes up in the middle of the night(right before dawn) and cries. As usual, I was woken up by his cries the other night and had a hard time going back to sleep. Then some of my bad memories flashed back to my mind for no reason at all. Almost like a nightmare. Sometimes, I feel like those memories are like monsters trying to hold me back while I'm trying move on. I can be very happy at a time, but I don't know when those monsters come back to haunt me and destroy my current life. It's that kind of feeling. I wish they would just disappear. I want to move on. I don't wanna look back. I want them to leave me alone.

Someone has said that one's past is one's future. I hope it won't be the case. I want a brighter future than my past.

Well, actually it's not that much a big deal as it may sound. Usually those "monsters" are quiet as long as I keep myself busy. Fortunately, I am busy right now.

Other than that, I keep doing my physical exercises and affirmation statements every morning. I'm happy with them. Now I feel I need them. If I didn't do them one day, I feel something is missing and different. For my reading exercises(affirmation statements), I've added "37 Practices of a Bodhisattva." My fellow blogger Norbu introduced to the Chinese version of this piece, and I loved it since the first time I read it. Thank you so much Norbu!

(You can refer to this website for the English version: http://www.kbi.com.au/cgi-bin/engine.pl?Page=page.html&Rec=69)

You all have a great week!

October 29, 2008

2008-10-29T05:26:00.000-07:00

Nothing much going on these days. Just work and home. Morning exercises and reading daily affirmation statements. I'm still afraid of talking to people and am very uncomfortable when making eye contacts, but I am getting a little better. I'm not that much afraid of elevators these days.

After seeing 007 Casino Royal by Daniel Craig, I became of big fan of Daniel Craig. What an excellent actor! I watched some of Daniel Craig's other movies as well. If you're reading this and haven't seen Casino Royal yet, I HIGHLY recommend it. If you think it's just one of 007s, you're wrong. Just watch it, then you'll know what I'm talking about.

Now Quantum of Solace is coming up. But I just realized that unfortunately I have no one to go with. I'm new in this place and haven't made any friends yet. I'm thinking whether I should ask a coworker, a guy whom I feel kind of comfortable to be around with, to go with me. But then I don't want him to take it in a wrong way.

Anyway, I'll probably ask him if he's interested since I'm dying to see this movie. And I think a guy probably would like 007.

I wanna join some kind of social activities. I'm still searching. This weekend though, I'm planning to go to the morning Buddhism class at Guang Ji Temple. I'll probably meet mostly older people there. Maybe this time I'll take more pictures of the monks and other things that I missed. My hope is that I can meet someone in my age who's interested in Buddhism as well. That'll be great!

Hope you all are enjoying life! All we have to do is to change our point of view, then we'll see how beautiful life is...

Guang Ji Temple (广济寺）

2008-10-27T06:10:00.000-07:00

Hi all, here are some of the pictures of Guang Ji Temple in Beijing I visited on Oct. 19. I wanted to give details about each picture as well as the Buddhist temple. I'll do that when I have time. The best and oldest I've ever seen. I loved its atmosphere.

Animal Cruelty

2008-10-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

During my lunch time, I saw a homeless black dog looking for food from empty lunch boxes being left on the side of the street. Whenever and wherever I see dogs and cats, I always wanna look at them. When I took a close look, something caught my attention. Looked like a wire or something was tightly surrounding his wrist and I could see his flesh. I tried to get close to him thinking of maybe I could do something about it. He was afraid of people(naturally) and ran away.

I couldn't do something to help the dog. But I could do one thing to whoever did this to the poor helpless animal. I sentenced that person a death penalty!

I know I'm being silly(to sentence a death penalty in my mind). But this is one thing I can never tolerate. My curse to whoever did this might be meaningless, but this person will get a bad karma for his sick unforgivable behavior.

The Importance of Daily Affirmation

2008-10-21T07:17:00.000-07:00

I thought I was doing well. So I quit my reading excercises including reading out my daily affirmation statements. Then I could see the difference right away. I was all nervous all the time again.

Today I went back on track of my daily practice. Reading out loud my affirmation statements that I created for my self. They're all positive statements about myself and good wishes for my family. I have to say they do help a lot.

Keep telling your mind something, your mind will eventually believe it. Keep telling yourself positive things, one day you'll automatically believe what you've been telling yourself. That's the way it works!

I meant to post pictures of a Buddhist temple I visited on the past Sunday. I will do that soon.

I Love My Life

2008-10-17T07:03:00.000-07:00

It turns out that once the people at work get used to me, they can be friendly too. Although they do say that there're very little interactions between coworkers.

I decided I'm not gonna think that other people don't like me anymore. Most of the time I'm just being paranoid. People either don't know me well yet or are just not interested in getting to know me. But they DON"T DISLIKE me. Now I can see this. I'm so glad I do!

Anyway, I feel most comfortable around Chinese people. I'm looking to make some friends here. I know I will.

I have so much to look forward in life. I have positive people around me who care for me and give me wise advice. So much fun and other important things to look forward... I'm full of hope for the near future.

Everyone enjoy your weekend!

Source of My Problems

2008-10-15T05:54:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the source of my problems. I've realized it's how uncomfortable I am with myself. Once other people sense how uncomfotable you are, it makes them uncomfortable as well, so they don't wanna hang out with you. I mean I wouldn't like to hang out with a person like myself either. I like people who are pleasant to talk to too. That's right, I'm not pleasant and fun to talk to. In fact, I'm the total opposite. I don't know how to make eye contacts. When I'm talking to someone, all I'm paying attention to is eye contact. I keep thinking the timing of eye contacts. That makes others uncomfortable, that's why they don't wanna be around me.

I don't blame them. It's my problem not theirs. I seriously don't know how or what to say to others. I don't know how to be myself. I have a self that I don't like. It's easy to say if you wanna like other people, you'll have to like yourself first. I understand that logic, but I don't know how to like myself. I'm not always thinking that I don't like myself. I just end up acting that way. Now it's a habit, and I don't know how to change it.

I don't like to end my posting with a negative feeling about life. So I'll say that no matter what happens, I'll keep trying to overcome my problems.

The Insecure Self

2008-10-14T05:11:00.000-07:00

I wanna write about something but don't know what. Nothing much happpened today. I had lunch by myself. I didn't feel that lonely though. Well, maybe I felt slightly lonely. Am I getting securer? I used to hate to eat by myself in a public situation. I feel like everyone's looking and laughing at me for having no friends. Well, that's what my Japanese junior high classmates did to me, and I still can't get over it. Fortunately, Chinese pepole won't do that. Most Chinese are mentally healthy.

I've lost myself soon after we emigrated to Japan. I used be a confident kid. But then my confidence was all torn down by my miserable experiences in Japan. It's been 16 years! I've been trying to get the "self" back, but I haven't been successful yet. I still don't know how exactly I can get it back and be myself again.

I'm extremely insecure about myself. After being put down and staying at the bottom of my life for so long, an insecure self was formed. It's really sad. I haven't figured out how to change this pattern.

We human beings are too intelligent. We hold onto things too much. Not like dogs, that's why in my mind they're all angels. They don't hold onto their bad experiences. They move on to experience the good. They live in the now.

It's easy to say "just get over it." Yes, I wish! I just hope it won't take me another 16 years to fix my problems.

I'm trying to make a difference. Although I'm not doing the whole package I should do every day, but I do practice at least one thing which helps with my issues. With my fellow blogger dan's suggestions, I've created my own affirmation statements to read everyday.

Wish me luck! Thanks!

My Mighty Sister

2008-10-12T06:07:00.000-07:00

Once you get on the right track, life starts making sense. That's exactly how I am feeling right now.

I talked to my sister over the phone last night. She still lives in Japan with three kids and a Japanese husband. She has gone through so much with her marriage life. I admire her courage to have been able to endure that many hardships, something I couldn't do in million years. She's always had the right attitude towards life -- facing whatever problems she encounters head on. I have, on the other hand, been running away from my problems. Whenever I sensed a little bit difficulty, next minute I was gone.

My sister and I have had different personalities as long as I can remember. Those differences tore us apart from time to time. She used to lecture me about a lot of things I did. At the time, I didn't see it as her love towards me. I resented her for giving me a hard time. Now I do realize that she did that for my own sake.

I've never treasured our relationship until recently years. But now I appreciate the fact that I have a strong-willed sister like her. It gives me more power as well. I admire her determination to stay on top of everything in her life no matter what hurdles that are in front of her. She is that strong and secure. Completely the opposite of me.

Last night, my sister mentioned about maybe coming back to China in a couple of years. At least she wants to let her kids see China. I am looking forward so much to seeing her back to China so that our family is together again. Her staying in China permanently won't be a simple matter, but at least if we can see her once a year here, it's still not so bad. Just imagining our family being together on our own soil gave me a delightful hope.

My family means everything to me. They're the engine that drives me to overcome my problems and to work hard towards my goals. I hope our dream will come true one day.

Interesting Interview Test

2008-10-11T04:52:00.000-07:00

An interview I had with an industry research company gave me a written test which included these questions as follows. No internet search or dictionary is allowed to use during the test.

1. How many golf balls do you think the room you're in can fit into? (Note: nothing else was given such as the room or a golf ball's size.)

2. With the following clues, please answer how many refrigerators were sold in 2007. You are allowed to make assumptions. Please also explain how you have reached to your conclusion.

The number of households in the US in 2007 were 100 million.
Refrigerators last and function properly for 16 years.
The number of households will increase to 105 million in 2012.

Other questions included the GDP of China in 2007 and the capital of Spain. I knew the capital of Spain but didn't know about China's GDP (US$6.9 trillion).

I think this job is more suitable more graduate students who majored in economics. We'll see. They will invite qualified candidates to the second interview next week. But I guess I'll never get the answers to these questions if I won't get hired.

P.S. Yes, I'm already working a job. But I've been recommended to keep looking for better opportunities. It seems completely acceptable in China if a new employee jumps onto another job after a week of current employment or takes time off for a different interview on the third day of his new job.

Back on Track

2008-10-09T15:45:00.000-07:00

I was feeling all better today. That nervousness I had the day before is gone. I'm more relaxed.

Now I completed my first step towards who I want to become by having found a job. So time for the next move! I have no friends in this place. I've got to find ways to make some, maybe some people who are interested in Buddhism as well.

About this job though, it's kind of weird. A co-worker said that the corporate culture of our company is "no culture." Everyone just comes, works, and goes home. Nobody seems to care about others' business or even try to be friendly to you. Well, maybe I'm new and don't know what's going on yet. But that's the feeling I've got from this office so far. No human relationships mean no stress, although it also means no fun. But I think it works out for me right now as I have no people skills at all. I do eventually want to work a job with more challenges and fun though, maybe in the future when I'm more confident.

You all have a good weekend! I will too.

Caffeine and depression: Is there a link?

2008-10-08T16:08:00.000-07:00

What is the relationship between caffeine and depression? Does caffeine make depression worse?

- Lisa / Tennessee

Mayo Clinic psychiatrist Daniel Hall-Flavin, M.D., and colleagues answer select questions from readers.

Answer

The exact relationship between caffeine and depression isn't clear. There's no evidence that caffeine — a mild stimulant — causes depression. However, some people are more sensitive to the effects of caffeine than are others. In such individuals, caffeine may worsen existing depression. How or why this occurs isn't clear. But several theories exist.

Although caffeine initially gives you a "lift," it may later have the opposite effect as the effects of the caffeine wear off.
Caffeine can make it more difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep. A lack of sleep can worsen depression.
Caffeine appears to have some effect on blood sugar, especially in people with diabetes. Fluctuations in blood sugar can be associated with mood changes.

If you have depression, you may consider limiting or avoiding caffeine to see if it helps improve your mood. However, caffeine can be habit-forming. So an abrupt decrease in caffeine can cause withdrawal symptoms, such as headaches, fatigue, irritability and nervousness. To lessen these withdrawal effects, gradually reduce the amount of caffeine you consume. For example, drink one fewer can of caffeinated soda or one fewer cup of caffeinated coffee a day.

(Source from: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/caffeine-and-depression/AN01700）

Not So Good

2008-10-08T06:47:00.000-07:00

I was nervous all day today. I don't know what's making the difference. The only thing I did different was that I had coffee this morning. Once I read somewhere that caffein make depression worse, I didn't believe it. Is it true after all?

I even thought that my life was horrible and not worth living. I used to think like that a lot. I know I'm being negative again and I shouldn't be doing that. It's hard to stay positive when positive things don't happen to you, and you don't know how to make them happen. Sometimes I just feel I'm losing it. Losing hope that I'll ever lead a normal life.

Anyways, I can think like that one day and I'll try to come back onto the track again. Well putting it down this way actually makes me feel better. I feel like releasing my negativities. Blogging is great.

New Job

2008-10-06T06:15:00.000-07:00

So today was my first day at the new job. Didn't really do anything, just signed the contract, had lunch with some coworkers (very nice spicy food, loved it), and read some materials. But a lady caught me chatting with a friend... She seems like an administration staff who helps around the office. Is it kind of bad to get caught chatting on the first day? Well, at least she wasn't my boss. It would've been sooo embarrassing.

Well, China is the one country that makes new employees go check up their health before getting hired. Maybe this started after SARS? Well, maybe since a lot of people are from rural areas and they may bring disease to the city. So I went to the check-up yesterday. One tube of blood was taken. Also had type-B ultrasonic. The nurse said my heart beat rate was slower than usual. So I asked her if it was a good thing. She said people exercise often have slower heart beat rate. I don't exercise regularly, but I liked what I heard. Does it mean I have a stronger heart? Or is my yoga exercise I do from time to time contributing? Does it even mean that maybe I'm a calm person? It probably doesn't....hehe... But I'd like to think that way. I was happy about the result anyway.

China is also one country where a suit is not required for interviews and jeans are allowed to wear at work. Of course not all workplaces are like that, but a lot of them have no dress code. Today, I kind of dressed nicely, but I'm gonna dress down tomorrow.

October 4th

2008-10-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

I've been sick for these couple of days. I think I got it from my cousin's kid when he passed food to me with his little fingers. I hesitated to eat but didn't wanna be rude since he was trying to be nice. He's been sick for a week or so. He didn't like me in the beginning, but he's now getting used to me. It makes me happy. He's so cute.

I didn't even go to the interview that was scheduled on Oct.1. Told them that I was sick. They let me have it the day after instead. It was a horrible interview. First of all, I wasn't feeling well and didn't wanna go to begin with. And what makes it the worst was that I didn't even the get company right! I thought it was a different one. The positions' names were exactly the same. Yes, there were clues here and there, and it just didn't ring a bell to me at all because who would ever get the company you interview with wrong!! Well, maybe I am the first one. So as you can imgine, it was awkward.

I've been sleeping or just laying around watching TV even during the day time. I wasn't doing my exercises either. When I did go out, it was so obvious to me that my "mental problem" is quickly getting worse (just by missing positive exercises for a couple of days and staying at home by myself). I went to the supermarket yesterday, and I was a mess. I was nervous all that time, and when had eye contacts with anyone, I freaked out and walked away quickly. I realized these days that what makes me most uncomfortable are eye contacts. It just freaks me out, and I try to avoid them as much as possible. So it's awkward for me and other people too. The same thing goes with my cousin and her husband. They're not just some strangers out there. I'm staying with them. They all say that I can stay as long as I want. We'll have to see.

I'll start working from Monday! I'm still excited! It means I won't be stuck at home all day anymore. I wanna get busy and get a life. That's the way it should be. I need some kind of authority to force me to be busy. Otherwise, I just go too easy on myself. It's no good for my self improvement. I've been that way all my life.

Happy Me

2008-09-30T03:35:00.000-07:00

Nothing much going on today. Usually I come here to release my frustrations and all that negativities, but I had a good day today. Went out with my cousin's family (her husband and kid) to a newly built forest park nearby. While we enjoyed some fresher air and had some fun, I also got a phone call for another interview tomorrow. Then my cousin and I went shopping together. Huge shopping malls filled with shoppers. God we have too many head counts in China! Too many people everywhere in Beijing, always crowded. But it was fun. Felt like my cousin and I were getting closer to each other.

A lot of fun going on in Beijing! I'm really looking forward to enjoying all of it! Can't wait to share with you guys!!

And I'll start working very soon. Very excited, can't wait! It's almost been a year since I quit my last job... So I'm ready to work hard. I'm sure it won't be easy, and I'll get frustrated and pressured just like all the jobs I'd done. But I'll try my best to work things out. We'll see what happens.

To everyone who's reading this right now, I wish happiness in your life too. Don't let one bad day ruin your mood. Never forget that another beautiful day will for sure to come. Open your heart and your arms, welcome all the goodness of life coming upon you...

Attention Drawer

2008-09-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

I'm so afraid of being in the center of attention. But I only hate it in daily life situations. On the other hand, I love to give presentations, speeches, or even sing in front of a lot of people. I know it's weird, but it's just the way I am.

A beatiful and nicely dressed girl draws attention from men on the street. That's just the way it goes. But it's that attention on the street freaks me out. I'm not knock out or anything. I'm probably 6-7 out 10 points if being rated. I know how to dress though, and I enjoy being fashionable. But I'm very uncomfortable with any attention I draw from public situations. Yeah, I guess I could dress down and not put much make-up on. In fact, I don't even put make-up on since I arrived in China. As for my clothes, I usually don't buy crappy cheap clothes. Maybe I should give up all nice clothes and go buy some cheap ugly ones...?

Chinese men can be rude when it comes to checking out girls. I'm not talking about educated ones. I'm talking about those I see in a market and on the street. Some are selling vegetables, some are construction workers. I'm talking about them. They literally stair at you!! Sometimes I wanna punch them in their face! Of course, in reality, I never say a thing to anyone.

I once told a friend that I wish I were uglier. I meant it. That way, I won't get anyone's attention. I'll only get one guy's attention who falls in love with my personality not the way I look. That's what I want.

Maybe I really should go buy some Chinese standard plain clothes...

Elevator

2008-09-26T08:40:00.000-07:00

In an elevator, being stuck with a total stranger makes me very very uncomfortable. I wish I lived on the 3rd or 4th floor so that I could just walk up the stairs.

I know I'm just thinking too much of it and am afraid of nothing. But I can't help thinking about it. Should I make an eye contact with the stranger in the elevator? Should I smile to him? But what if he takes it in a wrong way... Is the person looking at me? Should I talk to him?

I mean in the US, it's pretty simple. You just say hi. But in this country, instead of "hi," the greeting can be "oh, you just came back home," or "Did you eat?" But usually you say that to the neighbors you already know.

When anyone in the elevator who's with a kid or a dog, then it's easier for me to comment on the kid or the dog. Well, if it's a dog, then I wouldn't even be able to resist myself to ask about that "angle." I love animals.

But I can't think of anything to say when it's a young guy or a girl. I mean I'm totally fine when there are a group of people in the elevator, and I'm just one of them. I only get uncomfortable when there are only one person left besides me. It just feels so uncomfortable, and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do! Well, if the other person completely ignores me, then I'm fine with that. Sometimes, he or she may look at you and maybe try to say something. Then I'm freaked out! I don't know what the hell I can say to them. Especially when it's a young guy, it's the hardest for me.

I'm sure that people with no mental illness would never think much about this kind of daily life public situations. But for me, these things take up a lot of my thoughts every single day. I know I'm being ridiculous, and there's absolutely no need for me to think about any of these. But too bad, I have no control of my mind. It's all automatic.

Even walking on the street, I have to think about useless little things like "should I look forward; should I look down to avoid eye contact with that person walking towards me; is the person walking towards me looking at me; should I make eye contact with him; why is he looking at me; why is everybody looking at me...?" I know I'm driving myself nuts. But I can't help doing it. I'm uncomfortable all the time.

I suppose all these thoughts are my negative thoughts. I need to find a way to stop getting these negative thoughts in my head and replace them with positive ones. Well, it might sound easy, but I have no idea how to accomplish that.

Well, this is good to write it down this way. It helps me clear my thoughts. Let's see. Maybe next time when I walk on the street or in an elevator with one stranger, I'll try to replace my negative useless thoughts with a happy memory or something nice that can occupy my mind.

Please let me know if someone has any suggestions. I'd appreciate it!

Interview

2008-09-23T04:16:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful day since early this morning. You could even see blue sky through those clouds that never go away from Beijing's skyline. I didn't expect to see a blue sky in Beijing, so I was kind of excited. I even called up my mother to tell her how happy I was to see a little bit blue sky that was looking out through the heavy clouds. The polluted environment was one reason I didn't wanna stay in Beijing. Now I see maybe things can be different. I could even see the surrounding mountains so far away. It was a lovely day.

So I had an interview today. It all went well, by my standard. I wasn't that nervous and I liked the company and the job too. We'll see what happens.

Beijing is actually surprisingly clean and modern. Everything is newly built. They also reuse all tickets they issue. What a great idea! Environment friendly, I like that.

And this clean place is MY own country. Just by thinking of that made me happy and proud. Now if I want a quality life, I have no need to look any further. It's right here, right in front of me. This is great.

Following good people's advice can I now see a new hope for my life. I'm really looking forward to that...

Rules of Changes

2008-09-21T05:17:00.000-07:00

A quote from "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying"

生者必死，
聚者必散，
积者必竭，
立者必倒，
高者必堕。

Translation of above:

Who ever is alive will definitely die,
Who ever gathers will definitely grow apart,
Who ever accumulates will definitely exhaust,
Who ever stands will definitely collapse,
Who ever stays high will definitely fall.

A Poor Puppy's Destiny

2008-09-21T03:28:00.000-07:00

I heard a very sad story yesterday about a poor puppy that I've never met. My cousin's mother-in-law's household had him(don't know the sex of the dog though) as a loved one for a while. Unfortunately, he was only their most loved one until a human new born arrived. He was then been kept in their balcony all the time and wasn't allowed inside of their apartment. If he ever tried to get inside, everyone yelled at him to get out.

The puppy realized that he wasn't loved anymore. So he found a chance to run outside and never came back. He was maybe looking for a family who would fall in love with him and bring him back home. Their family members felt bad and looked for him, but only to find out that the puppy was hit by a car and died...

I think maybe there should be a law making people to acknowledge that having a pet is no less of a responsibility than having a baby before they purchase a pet. It seems to me that some people treat them as objects, welcoming them to their home only when they love them and kicking them out whenever the need for love is replaced by something else.

I did then think that maybe it was the puppy's karma. Maybe he did something bad in his past life. But I know in my heart that no dog is evil in this world. Only humans and circumstances will make them as "bad dogs." In my mind, they're all angels. I love all of them very very much. And I don't wanna hear a sad story like this anymore. It just makes me wanna cry...

Beijing...

2008-09-21T02:44:00.000-07:00

Most polluted air in the world?? At least the worst I've ever seen in my life. You see buildings 200 meters away in the frog. It's that bad. It's beyong your imagination. But what're you gonna do...

The government is well aware of the air pollution throughout the country. I've also been told that during the fast economic growing period of Japan, its air was heavily polluted as well. So I suppose this is just what every developing country has to go through.

Here I am in Beijing looking for a job... Is this what I want and what I came here for? Well, I don't even know what I want anymore. Most Chinese people live their life and work their jobs because they have no other choices. Fortunately and unfornately for me, I'm the one Chinese who can choose to live in China or other countries. Saying "fortunately" is because a lot of Chinese dream of what options are available for me; saying "unfornately" is because that's the reason I'm so confused. I don't know what to choose. I don't know what is the best for me.

BUT... I did choose to come here, my own country, the country I've always loved, the country I've missed. So whether it's good or bad, now I do kind of feel I'm stuck with it anyway. There's no turning back or turning away. I've just got to work with whatever is available in here.

Anyways, looking for a job is no fun. Working a job could be even worse. But that's what I'm gonna do in Beijing. No choice is left.

Well, that doesn't sound very positive, does it? Let me try this way.

* I will find a job in Beijing that I enjoy doing.
* I will be confident and do fine at the interview.
* I will use "slow talk" tenique during the interview so that I won't get too nervous.
* I will use my own languages to describe my qualifications and experiences to the interviewer as trying to use difficult words only make me feel more nervous and clumsier.
* I am making the right choice.
* Though there might be many difficulties, but in the end of each day I'll still feel that I like what I do.
* Good things won't happen overnight. I will keep up with what I do everyday (including searching for jobs and sending resumes, yoga, sit-ups, reading The Ants Handout, listening to "Overcoming SAD relaxiation tape," etc.).
* Life will be good as long as I won't give up with what I do.

Be postive, be enthusiastic, be nice and considerate to others, smile...
Go to bed early, get up early in the morning, keep doing what I have to do...

Positive, positive, and positive!

List of Good Things Happened Today

2008-09-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

1. I visited my childhood best friend who is expecting a new born in three months.

2. I was more comfortable talking to her than the last time we hanged out. (Last time I saw her, it was our first time seeing each other after ten years being apart.)

3. I also met her husband. He had been in Japan for four years to attend a college in Tokyo area. I was a little nervous talking to him and didn't know what to say. But considering how uncomfortable I ususally get when talking to a stranger, I did okay. At least I didn't panic when I didn't know what to say to him especially when my friend left us by our two for a couple of minutes. It wasn't comfortable for me but at least I was able to stay calm. I wish I could carry on a good conversation with anyone I meet.

4. Her husband cooked for us then left to meet a friend. My friend and I had lunch together, then we talked all afternoon until it was dark. I felt closer and closer to her as time went by. Not completely, but I felt like we were kind of getting back the same feelings we had towards each other when we were kids. We were friends since in kindergarden. I could feel that she was getting more comfortable with me too.

5. I was concious about whether I was calm or nervous. I'm hoping to eventually be able to convert my nervousness to calmness.

6. I bought a gift for their baby. It's a whole set for making fingerprint and footprint for a new born. Not sure she was crazy about it or not(I could tell she wasn't), but I liked it.

When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile.

2008-09-14T02:32:00.000-07:00

Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

The Blind Boy

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.

That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."

What he had written was: "Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it."

Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?

Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind.

Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story:

Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.

Invite others towards good with wisdom. Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets.

When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

Great men say, "Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction, of discarding evil and developing goodness! In the journey of life, if you want to travel without fear, you must have the ticket of a good conscience."

The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling!

And even more beautiful, is knowing that you are the reason behind it!

--- Author Unknown --- Submitted by Kartik Bodawala --- India
From http://www.motivateus.com/stories/the-blind-boy.htm

Relive Those Beautiful Moments

2008-09-14T02:05:00.000-07:00

Life is full of twists and turns. We encounter many unexpected events in our life; some of them cheerful and some of them devastating.

Some of the events are so pleasant that we cherish them for rest of our lives. They are like those beautiful flowers which we like to put in our book while turning its pages. They are like those beautiful dreams which we see with open eyes. They are like the view of a rainbow in the rainy season. They become our dearest treasure. So if we possess such a wonderful asset why not make use of it?

Why not relive those beautiful moments and let their lovely fragrance fill our dull moments? It can prove to be an amazing therapy to rejuvenate the inert period of life.

Just soak yourself, once again, in those warm memories that still make your heart skip a beat. Sit back and rest your head and play on those sequences of events which give your life a glittering touch. Visualize those pretty scenes in front of your eyes and slowly enter there to live it once again. And don't mistake it for being nostalgic. Rather take it as a way out for busting your stress out.

When your mind is over-worked and you need a little time off from all the surroundings, just step in that retro journey. Maybe it was your college time when you and your friends used to chill life so carelessly or the time when that feeling of love first stepped in your life and how you romanced life with your beloved. Perhaps it was a success on the professional frontier or it could be your marriage, or the birth of your first baby, or a reunion with an old friend. And when you think of those moments, knowing you have been part of such a wonderful and pleasant occurrence, suddenly you will feel a flow of energy in your veins.

When something terrible happens in life, it teaches us some tough lesson, making us stronger and wiser. But when something blissful happens in our life, it tells how life is full of joys, how blessed we are to be given a chance to live it. Those moments become our strength in droning times.

So take lively and colorful leaves of your own life, when passing through autumn's period of mood.

--- Copyright © 2008 Nisha Grace
As I write very spontaneously and without any pre-planning, I find these writings very genuine and close to everybody's life. So I hope anybody reading this one will find him/herself relating to its message and know that in this life, which is bestowed on us to enjoy, to cherish, to love, to serve, to learn, to give and to make it worth having, they are not a lone pedestrian. We all are together on this path to celebrate life.
(from http://www.motivateus.com/)

Haigui

2008-09-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

"Haigui" in Chinese refers to individuals who came back to China after studying or living in foreign countries. It usually refers to people who at least graduated from college in developed countries such as the US or somewhere in Europe. I am one of these people. I was just talking to a childhood friend who is expecting a new born in three months. Her husband graduated from a Japanese college and therefore is also a "haigui." She told me that he couldn't find a job here for two years after he came back from Japan. He also got his current job with his mother's help.

My point is that it takes time for haiguis like me to take off in China. Sometimes a couple of months, maybe half of a year or even longer period for them to find their place in China. At the same time they struggle to find adjustment and acceptance, their family struggles with them. Just like my family, my mother has expressed how disappointed she was with me. She can't believe I'm still looking for a job. Well, her complainings don't really help at all. It only makes me feel worse and pushes me down to an even lower point.

A lot of times, I blame her for my failures and problems. But can I really blame her? My mother is of the generation who struggled to get their stomach full, went throught the cultural revolution, and received little education. So it only comes natural for her to take that getting materially richer as the purpose of life. I once asked her what made her a happy person. Probably hard to imagine for our generation, her answer was... being surrounded by tons of good food. I kind of felt sorry for her that how easy she could be satisfied, that she had no spiritual or mental pursue at all.

Getting materially richer was her motivation to emigrate our family to Japan. We did get materials, but the price of that was the loss of family structures and connections. The price I had to pay was the loss of my self. At the age of almost 30, I'm still not being able to get that back. I'm hoping that I could find myself again in my own country.

Today's List of Good Things

2008-09-13T06:10:00.001-07:00

1. I read the twelfth chapter of “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying"（西藏生死书）and learned the Giving and Receiving Method(施受法) which may help me with my social anxiety disorder. Thank you for introducing me to this book, Sangye Norbu.

2. I called one of my closest childhood friends and set up a time to visit her home. She is expecting a new born. I'm gonna buy her some gifts for a baby girl.

3. I visited a couple of blogs and found out that there are people who are going through similar struggles with social anxiety disorder(SAD) as I do. Some have mentioned how hopeless they feel. I commented on their blogs and encouraged them not to lose hope. As long as we keep doing our exercises of overcoming SAD and be positive about ourselves, we will eventually be able to come out of this dark tunnel. We can do that by rewiring our brain. The key is consistency.

4. As part of my exercises, I read "The ANTs Handout" out loud.

Taking a Break from My Stories of Life in Japan

2008-09-12T07:18:00.000-07:00

I have started writing about the eleven years I had spent in Japan, but I decided to take a break. I'm kind of scared of going to that dark part of my life and am afraid of remembering those miserable memories. I hope I will be able to write about it without feeling depressed someday, but obviously I'm not ready yet.

I think what I need to focus right now is how I can overcome my social anxiety disorder and how to live a life I want to live. One thing I found on a social anxiety disorder forum recommended to list up good things happened today. So here it goes.

1. I took deep breaths and tried to imagine the "happy ending" before I called up my landlord this morning. During our conversation, I tried to talk slowly, so I won't get nervous and I won't make her nervous. And it worked. I could talk to her with a calm voice.

2. I went to the spring water supplier's store to ask them to deliver water for me. I wasn't nervous, pretty comfortable. Their store is run by this old gentleman and his daughter. Very good people. When the daughter came by the first day I asked them to deliver water, she also seemed to like my cat and said she would take my kitty if I ever need to give her away. She was the kind of person that the second you talk to her, you can immediately tell that she's a good person. I like people who love animals. They're often kind-hearted.

3. I read "The ANTs Handout" today. (It's part of my overcoming social anxiety disorder exercises that I should practice everyday....which I don't...)

4. I read the New York Times articles out loud.

5. I read one article from Associated Press out loud.

6. I went to the bank, then the store to get yummy food. (I often stay inside all the time unless I really had to go somewhere.)

7. While I walked on the street, I kept imagining that Buddha was watching over me. Just by thinking that he was always with me and that I wasn't alone by myself, it made me feel better.

8. I did sit-ups 50 times with deep breathes before I met my landlord. It made my conversation with her a bit easier.

9. The frozen dumplings I bought today tasted pretty good.

Letting Go and Moving Forward

2008-09-12T05:59:00.000-07:00

If I cannot forgive myself for all the blunders
That I have made over the years,
Then how can I proceed?
How can I ever dream perfection-dreams?
Move, I must, forward.
Fly, I must, upward.
Dive, I must, inward,
To be once more
What I truly am
And shall forever remain.

--A poem found online

Thangkas

2008-09-10T04:33:00.000-07:00

Good & Bad Choices

2008-09-09T23:42:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to the apartment sales office to consult with the sales person about how to pay for the property taxes for the apartment my family purchased a couple of months ago.

The office is about 30 minute walk from home. It was raining, but I still decided to walk there since I haven't gone outside for several days already. Following the street I live on and going straight, you will see a sign that tells you to turn left to reach the office. I have followed the sign before, but this time I thought maybe I could just go straight and turn left later, and there will be the office. It might actually be a short cut. Not knowing that this would take me as far as it can get from the sales office.

It was raining pretty hard, and there were few people and cars on the street. This area used to be a rural area outside of the city and some family was doing garbage collecting business there, and the whole street stunk badly. I tried to keep my eyes away from the garbage site. At the beginning, I thought I would soon see a road to be able to turn left, but I was so wrong. I had to walk straight in the rain for at least good 15 minutes before I saw the street lead me to the right direction. When I was finally on the road leading to the office, it was much more like a high way (it probably is) on which huge trucks and buses were running with high speed. There was no sidewalk. But there was no turning back, I had to walk in the rain, on top of the curb, and sometimes in the mud just to avoid water splash I get when a truck passed by. But when I was very close to the destination, a big truck finally splashed dirt water all over my body and my face. That was as bad as the day could get.

Along the way going to the sales office, I kept thinking that this way was just like how my life turned out. Good people have given me valuable advice, but I never listened. I always thought I was right, and I always chose to proceed with directions that either led me to nowhere or were full of hardships. How could I be so stubborn and closed-minded? How could I be so idiotic? I realized it was time that I took wise advice and do something right for myself. The exploring time should be over now. Time to get something solid for my life.

I also remembered once I read somewhere saying that personality determines fate. I couldn't agree more. It's our personality that leads us to the choices we make in our life. I somehow unconciously think that I'm smarter than other people. That's why I wouldn't listen to others and choose to walk a different way. That's why I didn't follow the big fat sign telling me the direction to the sales office. Life is cynical...

The good comes with the bad, and vice versa. The sales office was distributing a box of grapes to all of their buyers today. So I got one box as well. Despite how it turned out today, the grapes tasted really nice. (^ - ^)

My First Blog - About My Life

2008-09-08T05:26:00.000-07:00

Hello, everyone. First time to write a blog. Let me start with introducing myself to all of you.

I was born in Shenyang, the major city in northern China, which used to be the center of Manchuria when the Japanese occupied the region during the WWII. I was a regular Chinese kid except one thing about me was a little bit different from everyone else. That one thing was that my grandma of my father's side is Japanese. All I could remember is that my mother would comment on my grandma being Japanese once in a while, other than that my life was nothing different from those of my classmates and kids in my neighborhood.

About my Japanese grandma's life, there is quite a bit to talk about it. Sometimes I think I should write a book about her and her family's life. It was real life but it was like a super human drama. Quite unimaginable for me and people of my generation. My grandma was born in a poor but average Japanese family. (It's a shame that I don't know much about the details in terms of where they lived, what her parents did for living and all as I have not contacted my grandma for several years now. So I'll have to go on with what I know.) When the Japanese started their invasion to north China in the 1930's, they wanted their people to go to China, live and develop the new land. So basically they advertised to their own people how great life it was or could be in China, food and land available everywhere in order to encourage them to go to China. This sounded very attractive to the poor people since at the time, Japan had scarce source of food and materials as well. So my grandma's father decided to go to the new land in the hope of having a better life there. Little did he know that this decision would later bring a series of tragedies to his family.

Once they arrived in China, it didn't take so long until they found out how much the Japanese government had lied about the new land. There was nothing except the cold weather which doesn't make this land grow that much of food. They ended up living in a place much more like a refugee camp where they gathered all Japanese civilians, where diseases and deaths took place in front of their eyes due to lack of food and poor living conditions. Even at a camp like that, they couldn't stay for very much long as they also had to escape from fighting took place between Japanese and Chinese. My grandma had four siblings. She was the oldest one. All four of them (between age of five to ten years old) died along the way while they were wandering and escaping from bullets and wars. By the time my grandma reached the village where my grandpa lived, she was moving forward by crawling as she had no energy left for walking. She was 13 years old at the time. My great grandma and she were the only ones still alive but nearly dead. (My great grandpa was with the Japanese army and was apart from them.)

The Chinese villagers took them in and saved their lives. Later at the age of 16, my grandma married grandpa who lived in the same village. A year later, at the age of 17, she gave birth to my father.

As much as I could remember, I never thought of my grandma being any different than other old Chinese ladies. She spoke perfect Chinese as she had been speaking Chinese for four decades already by the time I was around. I never liked my grandma that much since my mother had a poor opinion about her. I was mama's girl. Whoever my mother liked, I liked. The same goes with whoever she didn't like too. I never liked my father either. Almost amazingly, until this day, I still have not much emotional feelings towards him. In my mother's and many others' eye, he was an incapable man who has little social skills. Also my mother told me that when he was younger, he had minor psychological problems which seems to run in the family too. He would behave in strange ways with little common sense. One particular thing that I remember about him being weird was that he would lock the door, but in worries it might not have been locked properly, he would go back to check the door for four five times.

My childhood memories are mostly cheering ones. I did good in school. Teachers liked me. I liked singing, performing, and giving speeches. Every event took place in school, I was always part of it. I enjoyed being in the center of attention and in the spot light. My mother was proud of me all the time. I was proud of myself too. I was secure and confident. I loved school and enjoyed everyday of it.

As I already mentioned, I never liked my father. He was different from other kids' fathers. They were normal, but he was not. Other kids had father's love, but I didn't. There was no love between my parents either. My mother didn't marry him for love. She married him for practical reasons. She made a lot of mistakes in her life as I am making my own mitakes as well. Again, maybe you can say that it runs in the family.

My father was insecure about his relationship with my mother since she was very attractive and popular among men. They would fight for little things that my mother did such as talking to another guy. One time when I was around age 5, they fought so hard and my father raised hand on her. She ran away back to her own family which was in Heilongjiang Province, even northern of China, close to Russia.

My mother didn't come back for a whole month. I was never away from her for such a long time. While she was gone, I was being taken care of by my grandma. I remember they would ask me from time to time if I missed my mother, and I would say no. I probably did that because I thought I had to talk like that since they were saying bad words about my mother all the time.

Then one month later, my mother came back. I still remember that very moment when she held me in her arms. I then realized how much I had missed her, how much I couldn't live without her, and how much I lied about not missing her.

Since that day my mother came back, I became insecure about her. If I didn't see her at home after I came back from school, I would look out the window crying and worrying about her. I would also be a pain in the neck to her if she tries to go to anywhere. I would cry and beg her not to leave. I even had a picture that was taken in my kindergarden after I cried because I didn't want to go to the kindergarden and being away from my mother. I think the kindergarden was taking pictures for the kids for some reason I don't remember. They saw me crying and not wanting to let my mother leave, so the guy took a picture of my mother with me together just to cheer me up. But you can clearly see that I was crying before the picture was taken. I often thought that I would die if my mother died.

Later, all my father side's entire family including us would emmigrate to Japan. And that will be the turning point of my life....